V is for Vendetta

I blame the city. I could literally see its fight to make me over. To be harder, tougher than the small town girl I once was. In the beginning, I was undaunted by its sharp tongue and cold touch. It was laughable to me, the cities attempt to frighten me with its broken images of a forsaken city or darkened stares from city walkers warning an outsider like me to watch her back. I was naive but I was strong, unfazed by the thoughts of the restless. I was just excited about the journey, paying no attention to the hungry wolves grazing they're razor sharp teeth behind the woods. But then again, I was safely protected by the university walls, completely clueless to the realities of what was going on. Once I started working in the city, I knew the small town act was a show that wasn't going to work here. I had to develop some sort of backbone because I wasn't a princess and there wasn't going to be a knight in shining armor riding up on his white horse in preparation of saving me. It almost felt like it was happening overnight. I could see myself fitting into this picture that at one point I was terribly awkward in. I was turning I thought. I'm slowly becoming....

Barely recognizing who I was one day walking with a rhythmic ease one night as the homeless man didn't scare me like he usually does. I wasn't afraid of being attacked like I usually am. The random buzzing of innuendos from voices of men walking along the shadows could not deter me. I realized I could handle them all. On days I could give to the homeless man, I would give to the homeless man, he understood just the same. God bless you he says either way. I've learned when you're in the city, you just have to be wise about your surroundings especially the time. Never linger, get to were you're going. The men are easy, nothing a pair of loud headphones can't solve. Mostly, what I observed in the city, besides your common bad apples that are going to start something regardless is everyone is on the same page. We are all tired, just trying to get home safely. There's also no need to walk around extra paranoid like an out of towner, just relax.

But somewhere in the transformation, I was loosing too much of myself. I have so much respect for people who grew up in the city. Its rougher out here opposed to the small town life I was accustomed. You have to learn early on to watch your back and trust very few. Early on, you have to decipher who's for you and who's against you and make it known. People have tougher skin and are much more guarded and that's because they have to be. The city has its own culture just like a small town has its own culture. I was trying to fit in this culture and in the process forgot about who I was, always open, always forgiving, always accepting. I lost it all  to become someone I was terribly uncomfortable with.

I shut people out and I closed myself off because I thought I had too. I mean that's how you survive in the city right? If someone does wrong by you, you either do them wrong right back or walk away and never look back. But that wasn't me and I realized I have to do what makes me happy. Call it naive or biblical, I'm letting all my ill wills go. I'm making amends. Not just for them but for myself because all it is...is freedom.

I was walking around with a huge V on my chest and I mask I didn't even look good in all for a victory that was lost before it even began. No more vendettas for me.

L is for Love is my kind of style anyway. I've always look good in that!