What Love Taste Like...

I spent all day at work today treating time like the friend I never really wanted. I just wanted time on my good side in hopes that he would have pity on me and move expediently faster for the sake of my sanity. Yesterday was Easter Sunday which was a great day by the way but an exhausting one at that so you can imagine Monday morning I felt like I had a hangover. Getting up is the hardest part. I usually set my alarm a good 4 or 5 times, hoping that my brain will at some point register that I'm a young adult who has to face the responsibility of having a job...that I have to be on time for that job.

I woke up this morning with the greatest desire to be a kid again. But then again, as a kid we had school, so since childhood we've been conditioned and trained to get up early so why in the hell is it still sooooo hard to get up in the morning. Oh I know why, because I was working until midnight the night before, which as a kid...that wouldn't have happened. Lights were out before nine. I also woke up bright and early to clean the house in preparation for dinner that evening...if I was a kid, moms would have taken care of that. Went to church by 11am and got out around 2:30pm. If I was a kid, I would have fallen asleep in church and been well rested by the time I got home. Had dinner around 4pm with great people and headed to the movies for a late showing. We get older and there's so much more that seems to be going on, the earth is just a spinning top and your left with this dizzy vomiting feeling after looking at it too long. So today I had done what all of us do...simply wanting the earth, time...whatever it is to just stop moving for a second. Push pause so I could just sleep. To indulge in the silence, the halting of time. Unfortunately this too much to ask because 6:30 am quickly find 7:30 am.

Work is bearable but I'm barrelling through it, literally. In a way, those people have no clue who I am because I treat work like a second life. I don't confuse my work life with my outside life. Many of them are clueless to this goofy silly, completely absurd person I am. I almost don't know why I hide who I am to them. But over the years I've come to be more protected over myself and who I show all of me to. I guess the crazier and outlandish I am to you is me trusting you. There are very few people I can honestly say have seen all my layers...and there are a lot of layers. I've almost become complacent with the friends I have so much so, I can see myself retreating from meeting new people and getting to them and vice versa. I don't like that though...

Finally its 6pm, and I might as well have been a gust of wind out the doors I was so ready to leave. I'm walking to the bus stop and I see this Indian guy and I'm wondering if he was the same guy I saw a couple days ago or a week ago...idk, when your not really paying attention but paying some sort attention to bits and pieces its like you get an idea of the puzzle but you just can't form a complete picture to the puzzle. I have no idea why I care about this Indian guy, maybe its the way he looks at me and I'm curious to know what he's thinking. I wonder if he was thinking if I'm the same girl he saw a couple days ago or a week ago.

I dig in my purse to crab a mini-sized york peppermint patty. I had a whole bag full. Wendy got them for me because I like minty candy...and ice cream. We have that in common, I think she tossed them in my room yesterday and I absentmindedly threw them in my bag this morning knowing I wasn't going to have time to pack a lunch...I never do but every night I assume I will. Has yet to happen. I'm at the bus stop and its rainy and gloomy but I take a bite into this york peppermint patty and for some reason this york peppermint patty has ignited this theory that this is what love must feel like....like biting and eating a york peppermint patty.

The taste was fresh, sweet, quick, hard, soft, strong. As I'm writing this, it truly sounds like a bad corny commercial but it was very enlightening lol. I just thought, I want to love like this; experience something immediate.... feel the quickness of love rushing into me as soon as I set my eyes on them. A knowing that this is going be something great. Seriously, have you ever tasted a york peppermint patty, you feel like you just ate the freshest piece of ice from a sacred everglade or something. There's this breathtaking kind of aftertaste your mouth gets from eating a york peppermint patty and its like you took a bite out of the most clean fresh sweet and minty thing that ever existed. Like something pure and untainted. I'm not crazy...I'm just saying...to love, like God loved an undiscovered land when he painted it with snow, ice, water (hence the taste of a york peppermint patty), It would all make sense why love was created in the first place.

By the last bite, I was pondering the question. What if he was the one? What if it was happening now. What if right here and right now, we tasted like this peppermint patty I was eating now? What kind of life would we lead as a black woman and an Indian man? Would I get married in India and have a traditional wedding with beads and bright colors? I was suddenly curious. A part of me wished it was now, finally but a part of me was relieved that it wasn't. That in actuality this man only stood out to me because he was the only one there...I wasn't in awe of him or his looks. He was just a guy and I a girl but I couldn't help wondering...it could of been him. We could have fell in love right there...but we didn't and then the bus came and let me on first.

Ummm this is the best I could do lol but I'm kinda proud of myself!

We both got off the same stop. Weird. Then we proceeded to get on the next bus together..he let me get on first. I sat down but the bus was practically full so he stood with his laptop like a fine piece of Indian china awkwardly on display in a African museum. Somewhere in it all, I became distracted by the other faces and outside the window as I usually do when I looked up and he was gone. I was on 87th and Cottage Grove and it was like he evaporated....like he was never there. Maybe he was just the illusion, the illustration I needed to understand the significance of love while eating my peppermint patty. Whatever it was, he was gone now and just like that, he was gone from my mind and my thoughts.

24 Hours Ago...

I should despise your unforgivable eyes. I should be repulsed by your confident stride. Your crooked smile where you hid your grand lies in. You told me I could fly but more importantly you told me you would catch me. You brought me into an empty land in hopes we could build a home there. But you paid with corruption, insincerity, and carelessness. Your effortless “I love you” became just a frequent mask covering up the real foundation you used. I was eager to believe you because I was eager to believe in love so unknowingly I built with you… I flew with you.


One day, I noticed my wing was clipped but you insisted I keep flying because you would catch me if I fell. One day, I noticed the cracks in our house but you told me to keep building because you would repair the broken. You stuffed your faith in me and told me I could believe in you. That I could risk all of me for you and foolishly I jumped without reason, without thought and gave you all I had to give. With broken wings and a house collapsed, I was in ruins before I hit the ground. As the blood spilled from me, I looked at you with bloodshot eyes that were pleading. You glared back unremorseful and unapologetic. As I bled to death, you took your belongings and whistled away. You did not watch me die nor did you care to look back.

The dust from our home had long blown away and my wings were torn from me. I waited for fate to finish my story and be done with me once and for all. As black as it was I was ready to die now but a cool breeze breathed life into me and suddenly my eyes were open. It was a kind, compassionate breeze; loving me and I was not alone. The wind, compassionate enough to flow gently within my fingers and my toes, brushing the back of my hair and ever so softly, it told me to get up. I whispered desperately that I couldn’t. The sky above me angered and turned a gloomy gray.

As the clouds churned and the thunder pounded, the voice grew louder. “Get Up!” I knew my answer would only make the world around me angrier. But I was dying so I had nothing to lose. “Why should I?” Then the heavy voice roared, “Because you are not dead! Get up!” I did not understand because I could feel the pain, like knives cutting into me. I could feel the hurt…abandonment, unloved, lied to, uncared for. I could taste the blood in my mouth. The loud voice continued,” If you knew love you would not be so anxious for death!” But I did know love, which was the reason I was dying in the first place. The voice corrected me, “You know not of real love, you can’t even comprehend how to love yourself, what possibly could you know of love? You will not even get up!”

Tears escaped from my eyes and I wanted now to prove this loud powerful voice wrong. I clinched the ground; my mind was already sending messages throughout my nervous system to revive my limbs. My hands laid flat on the ground pushing myself upward but the pain, physically and emotionally was too much. I gave into its taunting and crashed back to the ground with a loud scream. “Let me love you,” the voice said. “What makes you so different,” I shot back.

“You will never be what you are now, chasing death like you are; unable to stand. You will hurt, you will get tired, but you will never be this…fallen without the will to get up. What you know of is not love, it was a disguise dressed in love. Love is not death but life so what has brought you to this state was not love but its opposite. I will show you wisdom with these things and I will love you to life and if you allow me to show you what love is…nothing in this world will do this to you again. Where you are weak, I will make you powerful, where you are foolish, I will make you wise. Where you are bound, I will set you free. Do you want to know what love is?” the voice asked. “Show me,” I whispered. Immediately the voice came into me… “Get up. Get up from this floor, you will not die here. You are alive my child. I love you. Get up. I know you’re hurting but this will not kill you. Let your body move and come from this place. You are strong enough to get up and start again. You are beautiful, walk with me my dear. Let me hold your hand. Smell the air and breathe. Let me clean you in the river, this blood shall wash away. Let the sun heat up your soul. Let me clean your hair."

I walked from the river to where my broken wings were. “My wings,” I said softly, “I can’t fly anymore.” “You don’t need wings to fly my child. Your spirit and soul can fly without them.” I walked past my home that now lay before me in ruins. “Where will I live, where do I go?” “It is I who brought you back to life and it will be I who will keep you alive. I will show you where you will live and I will show you where you should go.” I caressed the debris of what was left of my old house. “Can’t we rebuild here, maybe he will come back?” "What is here left you for dead and what will come back will only bring you death. You must move on because all that lives here is evil and death. Love yourself more than death and watch yourself become great. You will understand the full knowledge of love”. As she lingered in the destructive land, she took one last look at her broken wings and her ruined home and followed the voice that took her far from that place.

Revelations: A Beautiful Death

I don’t know if anything strikes more fear in the human mind than death. Were all afraid to die yet we know eventually we all will. It’s strange how we’re scared of the inevitable. We know it’s going to happen but when it finally comes, it’s a disturbing shock every time. Its almost like the whole world is standing together with their right arms raised, looking at their watch, waiting for the one who will finally discover immortality. Simultaneously, everyone will all breathe a sigh of relief. What an interesting life that would be? I guess the real scary part about death is not knowing who its gunning for or when it’s coming. There’s no real notice or crypt keeper to warn you that it is coming. There’s no real preparing for it, you just know eventually it will come. We’re left with the ultimate waiting game and that truly sucks.

One of my close friend’s cousins died and it was hard for her. She was left with a lot of questions with few if any answers. All she had left was a list of “whys”? Life and death; a mysterious thread that weaves a tale, leaving us at times a bit uneasy, scared, and confused. It’s a mega-sized sheet of paper that looks like scribble-scratch and you just have to make the best sense out of it as you can. No matter how much you try to decipher the code, it still makes no sense at all so when you see their plan unfold and come to fruition, all you can say is “why.” Usually when death hits, so many thoughts and blames run rampant through your mind and the whole ordeal is so overwhelming. Many blame God, or whoever they can point a finger at to find some sense in it all, some blame themselves. Others just can’t understand people and their actions to take lives, especially innocent, young ones. Looking at our world through a kaleidoscope, it comes across as a very scary world in which you just want to hide under rock because sometimes that seems like the safest place.

I was a church and the pastor came across this scripture that moved me.

“As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." Romans 8:36

And when I thought about death, my friend’s cousin, and constant headlines of death, it really occurred to me how true this statement really was. Death is everywhere and there is no escaping it. Many who live to 80-90 years old are considered blessed because they lived a long good life. They were blessed with a good time frame to accomplish the desires for which they were sent on the earth to do, whether it was to start a family, a successful career, or traveling around the world. They were blessed with time and we all know time can be your best friend or your worst enemy and most of the time; it’s your worst enemy. But that scripture struck a chord in my soul, we are going to die and we are surrounding in it but there is a reason for everything. And as scary as it seems, death is inevitable for a reason and we are surrounding by it for a reason. However you feel about death, there’s no denying its stake on the world, it is going to be here forever, so how do we cope? How do we deal with death without the ever-present fear of doom it leaves over our head? The scripture continues…

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:37-39

There are so many distractions that pull us away from God including death. Death is so powerful that in the mist of it, we pull away from God whether to blame him or stop believing in him because death has loomed over our family and friends. But God did not promise immortality, he promised us salvation. There will come a day when we all must say good-bye to this life so when I read that scripture, I get this A-ha moment. I can accept death for what it is and not let it control my life and even though death may come to me or my loved ones, I will not let that deter me from my love for God because the gift he has given me will and forever be more powerful than death. The bond that I have with God is much stronger than death, the gift I will carry here and long after I have left this earth. It is ever-lasting. I hate death as much as the next person and there are ways to prevent the deaths of innocents, wars, and crimes but I get it-that death should not control me or my relationship with God. It should not separate me from Him.

I was walking to the bus stop for work and I was walking past a graveyard with my headphones on and it was relatively beautiful outside. Winter was in the process of finding its way out and I was appreciating the arrival of the sun and the rejuvenating light she was leaving on my skin. I looked at the graveyard, I looked up at the sky, and without warning one of my favorite Red Hot Chili Peppers songs begin to play, one of their first singles called Under the Bridge bring a strange sense of clarity to me…

“I drive on her streets
'Cause she's my companion
I walk through her hills
'Cause she knows who I am
She sees my good deeds and
She kisses me windy and
I never worry”

I was filled with gratefulness to be alive. Though death is around me, I was so appreciative to have this moment outside to breathe in the air, to move my limbs, to feel the sun and the wind. That I had this time and this moment to live…

“At least I have her love
The city she loves me
Lonely as I am
Together we cry”

I’m not always going to be here, we have so much and so little time to revel in the great things about this world before our time is up. I just don’t want to forget it so I walked remembering that this world is doomed yet she couldn’t be more beautiful.

“Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way
I don't ever want to feel
Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love”

We all are living the best we know how in spite of the many obstacles and barriers that stand in our way but we continue on this journey trying to make use of the time we have left. We suffer, but we can survive, and find happiness. People hurt us but we can heal and still find happiness. We live in a beautiful mess….we are living a beautiful death.