Nightmares

Day 2.  My sleep places its skeletal fingers over my benign dreams and smothers them out. There is nothing sweet left but the familiar remains of yesterday’s tragedy corroding the inside of my pretending walls; painting its corruption on the surface of my many moons. In the background I can hear children crying as I walk down a long hallway filled with black windows and black blinds. Does it matter which door I open?  Every room is waiting to be just the same, isn’t that how nightmare’s work? It doesn’t matter what you do or where you go, the same scenario waits for you? As I walk in I watch the darkness walk out and the darkness was everywhere, filling up every corner as well as the silence. There was only one chair for me to sit in which was conveniently placed next to my perfectly poised nightmare. 

As scared as I was, I could laugh at the energy he took to present himself with such properness; black suit, legs crossed, he even patted my chair as a gesture for me to come sit down. I could only smirk at how how well-mannered he appeared, knowing that it was a matter of time before he impolitely took over my sleep. It’s hard not to stare at what’s haunting you, the same way it’s hard not push a button that says “don’t push.” Fear and curiosity is a bold tonic, you’re somehow left with a feeling of nausea just to be addicted still, hanging on to every moment, waiting for the chance to get one more look of its scare once more. My pupils crawled to the corner of my eyes but were met by a beaming bold stare already hovering over me, forcing me to fall over in my chair. He looked at me until his mouth, stitched and sewn, formed a long winding contorted smile. I knew then, I was being taken under my will to a place of horror and unrest.

My nightmare was the permanent clue that my shoes were stuck to. I was the hopeless observer, the distant dissector of the chaos at Sandy Cook Elementary. Why am I here and why am I getting a front row seat? But this is what nightmare’s do right?  They take a piece of reality that you fear, amplify it along with your weaknesses, make you utterly useless and when you get to the point where you’re about to die, you wake up. It’s been a long time since I had a nightmare or remembered that I had a nightmare. I mean I’m talking since I was a kid and I think it’s because I’ve somehow I learned to control it. All too quickly my anger started to dissipate the inheritor of my fears and I was fighting for an alternate course to a massacre that was replaying itself in my thoughts. This time, I looked down and my feet were free, my right hand now held a weapon. I looked up to see the gunman a couple of feet in front of me and he was looking in the other direction. I looked at my weapon and I looked at him. I ran lightly like the floor was made out of feathers and just like that I watched him fall to the floor. I remember another scenario where I shot him in the leg so that I wouldn’t kill him just so I could lecture him for hours and THEN I killed him which sounded a lot more like me anyway.

I just wanted to be there; to run in just in time and save the day. I know so many people wanted to do that too; just to get in there and save those beautiful babies. I kept seeing them line up preparing to die. Can you imagine your fear for a moment? Now imagine how much greater it had to be for them and no one was there to hold them or love them. I realized it was a dream. I was having a dream. Whether it’s from a massacre of multiple children or a young victim of violence in the streets of Chicago, in my dreams I could’ve saved them and protect them. I could’ve saved them all… in my dreams.  It wasn’t until I woke up that I realized this is the real nightmare. Sometimes it is our very reality that can be the true nightmare.  









A Poem from Me and Maria

It's been a minute....sorry. Annnnnd I still don't really feel like saying anything at all. Mostly I'm not quite energetic enough to tackle all my thoughts and place them before you like neatly folded laundry. If I threw it at you now, you would be lost in translation and frankly so would I. BUT I wanted to drop in and give you a poem I've been in and out of. It's true what they say tho..."a poem is never finished, just abandoned." Especially with this piece for me, every time I read it, a change something. I just had to face the realization that this poem will never feel complete to me. I do really like it though because it's me being brutally honest and open about the things I would never come out and openly admit or say....but poetry...*smiles* it has a way of sorting those kinds of things out now doesn't it. I also thought maybe you would enjoy this poem that I fell in love with. It was in a collection of poetry and of course for me, it was the most memorable, touching, daunting, emotional one I came across sooooo.....

My poem Naked....


Naked
I’ve been obscene for days
Twisted up in my own nakedness
Looking down at the darkness spilling over me
As my limbs remain out of place
I sit
Cracked and proud
Then shattering into a complete picture
Hanging on to broken bones
Like a perfect breakable piece
With desperation
I bleed
Like an overthrown queen
A timeless victim
Eyes wide open
Because death saw first
And still
Though lifeless
I wait for you
Haunted and unwilling
I remain
A hundred moans that sound the same
Coded in screams like murdered murmurs
I choke from my own blood
Babbling its rustic wine
Swallowing drops of bitter blindness                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         
To stay alive
Waiting for you
Pleading my last moments of light
Like a second of hope
Straining for you
To see me
Waiting for you
To save me from my own self shame
That I exist in ruins
But look at me
With eyes similar to Gods
And proclaim me not
Damaged
But adorn me in pearls
And declare me still
Beautifully born
As I die
So that I could prove
Love did not




One Life
BY MARIA HUMMEL
I don’t know when I stopped believing in heaven,
or if I do. Maybe I just stopped receiving heaven.

The sun rose. I climbed into the pines’ brittle
crowns. You could say I was retrieving heaven.

Not a place or a time, but blindness to everything
but one light, pulsing, pleasing: heaven.

We married in September. Everyone was still
wearing their summer shirts, sleeves of heaven.

It was white, there was a bend, and the car
spun. It was then I prayed, pleading with heaven.

When he goes limp, lie him down on the gurney,
Mom. Oxygen mask, breathing heaven.

The hospital shines, our son flies in and out.
The snow falls hard, relieving heaven.

He loves the colors of planets. I teach him
their lifelessness: beautiful, deceiving heaven.

I don’t know who is buried beneath me
but I hear her break as I am leaving heaven.

How can you cry for one ruined life, Maria,
when you could be grieving for heaven?

Love After War

At one point, I thought I could say I knew some of the greatest men to ever walk this earth. Me. Little ol me....have seen them with my own eyes (so I thought)...and so to my own comfort I would reassure myself, "It's okay to fall in love here." Somewhere in time, I watched every one of them commit some sort of heinous crime of Jackass-ish proportions that often fell upon most mere men that stood around them. I guess I assumed their promise or that pure place in their heart remained in tact, making them incapable of partaking in such actions that appear "heartless." I'll always understand our humanness, our ability to fall, fail, make mistakes, forever living in imperfection, gradually moving towards it though never really obtaining it. But in my heart of hearts, there is a standard the human soul should rest in and excuses don't cut it. There is a thick line between soulful and soul-less. You can't easily fall between the two, you're either one or the other and intention is everything. No matter how great a man is, with bad intentions, he's the most disappointing thing I'll ever see. My expectations are not unrealistic, good character plus good soul equals special human being. I understand what this kind of man is capable or incapable of and once a capable man does incapable things well he's just your average Joe shmoe never to be more than what you know he could be. At some point, there truth is compromised and their soul forfeited and you just watch them give up this greatness they could of had. IDK...maybe someone broke their heart (maybe I did), maybe they were just tired of being the good guy but its sad when you see the good guy go bad. That happens more with men than women I've noticed. It's like a light switch. One day they turn it off or on... like it's the easiest thing in the world. No matter how cold the world is, I'll never know how you can just decide you'll turn your heart on or off.

Anyway I just happened to notice this with a guy I used to know because I saw him recently lol but I mean it was just great to see him again. It felt like 20 years had passed when in reality, I think maybe three years. That's the way it felt because when you go from being super close to someone to super distant (like galaxies apart) it makes the time apart seem much longer than it really is. The reunion was pretty much great and horrible at the same time because after you see their face, the reality sets in on who they've actually become and suddenly the recognizable is unrecognizable all in one setting. The crazy thing is, no matter how cruel he is from something I did ions ago or how cruel he thinks I am for doing it or how cruel I thought he was for doing things, I'll always love the guy because that's love in its whole-hearted truthfulness. The day I stop loving anyone for what they did or because they stop loving me is the day I no longer understand what love really means...

An ode to Earth...

Happy Earth Day!

Seeing how Earth Day is over soon, I thought I would share this poem I wrote some years ago but just reading it again ignites those same feelings...like I wrote it yesterday. I love how poetry does that. Its like looking at a picture except the words are the picture. My sentiments remain the same and I'm blessed to have eyes to see the vision God has crafted before us. I pray it's beauty never fades and we continue to help grow it, flourish it, and never grow tired of the art it is.

Dear Earth

O sun

How it radiates my face

Let each ray illuminate my skin

Ignite the awakening that has been long coming

I am now a new creature

For I have shed old flesh

Alas, sorrow is no more

I am no longer gripped

With the pain that shadowed me

The sun has blessed its light upon my face

I am free

O wind

How it whispers sweet breaths past my neck

Allow me to recollect on its touch and gentleness

Your breeze is never too much yet barely enough

Our unspoken harmony is too perfect for even the birds to sing

Your presence is liberation unto my soul

Your air is honeyed like bright blossoms on a noon day

Every piece of me is revived

Restoration has begun

And I am alive

Lush green gardens fulfill my breath

Mediterranean waters yearn for my soul

The Himalayan Mountains await my arrival

But alas, it is Africa I hear crying out for me

Come child she calls

Where do I go when I hear the earth calling my name

To the soil where creation birth forth

As the mud paints my hands

The voices of ancestors spill before me

Their tongues never sleep

The very sound makes me fluorescent

And I am made warm by its essence

O, the glow I have taken on

As bright as the moon amongst the darken night

My God, have I grasped a hold of happiness by accident

Hurt fails to hover over me

It does not chase me anymore

I am but joyous

The Earth has embraced me so

Like a mother to her first born

She has placed me to her bosom

I am eternally hers

She is the sky

And I her cloud

God is made proud in this moment

All that is his

Has found love in one another

In the end, we are all gifts

Designed to celebrate each other

Though when I lay my eyes on this majestic mother we call earth

I swear by it

I have never laid eyes on anything more beautiful than her 

I Just Thought You Should Know...

...and so my brain is clogged. I can just imagine what it looks like inside. I already  know the X-Ray would show my head filled up and overwhelmed with words...thoughts, decisions, problems. No wonder I have no where to begin and  no where to end. I need to de-clog this mess and throw it all into the viral trash can known as the Internet so whatever is resting there, forming minions and things can finally exit stage right and PEACE, BE GONE! Its not even like I'm purposefully trapping everything in there, I just forget that in order for me remain sane....I gotta write it out in order to free my mind, let it go and officially move on. It's my therapy I guess because I'm potentially writing myself through it and solving my own freaking problems....for free!!! Soooooo here we go.......    

Being Pure

I was thinking  about purity the other day and the first words that popped into my mind where cleanliness, innocence, God, water, and a child. These things came out without thinking but just in an immediate response to purity. Throughout my life, I have attached these specific words in reference to purity to help myself understand what purity is. All this came about in my brain because I was trying to figure out  if I had lost my purity somehow. I was always known as the innocent one, the kind/sweet one, the always forgiving one. I never really became annoyed or frustrated by anyone or anything enough to deter this holly jolly journey I was constantly travelling on. It's funny when I think about that girl...many thought I was just naive but a  really sweet person referred to me as pure. She quoted a scripture to me and said, "the pure shall see the face of God." That still makes a very bright light burst throughout my body, I think it was the kindest thing anyone has and will ever say to me which is why I remember it and I don't remember much. And then "child" popped back out in my brain again.
Do you ever notice how ridiculously wise and pure a child can be? Children are not yet very complex, everything remains in its simplest form so when they're playing, they don't examine skin color, they see the heart. Your nice, I'm nice, lets play. They forget and forgive within a matter of nano seconds and they love, love, and love. There is no deep analytically dramatic event  bearing down, weighing heavy on their soul, figuring out whether they're going to forgive, love, and laugh. "Goodness" is as instinctual as it is natural and sometimes we are able to preserve that while other times we corrupt it.  There has always been a part of  me that remained childlike and I realized that is it!!!! To preserve your purity, you must always see life through the heart of a child. There's a scripture for this...gotta find it real quick...hold up....

Ok this is what i'm thinking of.. Matthew 19:14 Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."   

I think of this and it makes sense in some ways, NOT ALL WAYS to become like a child because sometimes we do grow old and tiresome of maintaining that imminent joy residing in us, to maintain the "good" that was effortless as a child; our birthright! We were in the prime of our strength and health, we could do this easily but life tests you more ways then one and after 20-25 years, we get weary... after 30-35 years, we're downright tired and exhausted... 40-55 years, we don't even want to be bothered and 55 years and over, we're beginning to get senile lol. We all go through some bad things in this life but it can't be the dictator, it shouldn't ruin the purity we were all naturally born too. It's not easy to keep it either, its a constant fight, some win and some loose but I believe its never to late to get it back...if you want it. It used to be easy for me but I'm getting older and its getting harder but this makes me believe in God so much more because purity is a gift and it can easily be taken away.                                                                                                                                                                                                    

Letting Go

Ughhhhh Sometimes you just gotta LET IT GO. I hear it everywhere. Family members, friends, Oprah, Keyshia Cole. Everybody says the same thing and they are absolutely right! Why I still need three of four times to verify and confirm...I have no idea but I know this when it's time to let it go, you'll know because if its not working the first, second, and third time, you're just playing yourself, the fire, and the balance of life by pretending something should be when its not. Thank our patient and loving God that he is STILL willing to tell us NO in so many different ways because our stubborn behinds are fighting lost causes. I know its hard trying to figure out the difference between fighting for something WORTH fighting for and fighting for something that's not even putting up a fight. We really have to work harder at examining people and situations to know the difference. I'm getting there....

Missing the Past

I'm not sure why I'm thinking about people from the past like if I find them, we'll go back in time together and go back to what we used to be, we'll fix what was wrong, we'll correct out mistakes. Like they're supposed to have this time machine tucked away in their pockets. Oh I know why...because I miss them but of course I will. But hey, the past is the past... I think there's probably some truth to those time movies that suggest if you go back in time and change the past, it will change everything else including your future. Moral of the story is what has happened...happened for a reason and couldn't have happened any other way...because I am still alive. I have to get all Morpheus on you. I love the way he thinks. But seriously, sometimes memories gotta be enough you know.

Appreciating the Present

I love the people in my life now, they're just so damn incredible!!! Always appreciate the present. Always ;)

Getting Back to Work

Working on my second book of poems. I have like six poems to my name right now lol sooooo I really need to step it up!!!! I know its too early to be thinking about this but I'm anxious for another book, I keep thinking , "What if I'm a 1 book wonder???!!!"...I knoooow but I can't help it, I'll get over it tho. Here's a excerpt from one of my new poems called Naked I've written so far. You're the first to see it so here you go....

"I’ve been obscene for days

Twisted up in my own nakedness

Looking down at the darkness spilling over me

As my limbs remain out of place

I sit

cracked and proud

Shattered into a complete picture"

I have a book out already if you didn't know or you didn't read it. Shame on you. It's called Death of a Black Star and its everywhere...Amazon (you can download it on your kindle too!), Barnes and Noble, Sakura-Publishing.com. I hear its pretty good!  

A Lesson Before Valentine's Day...

I trained myself very early on in life to never chase a man...esp if he's not chasing me. No matter how much I wanted to and Lord knows I did, something inside me always whispers "just let em go Sharday". I keep thinking about that scene in "My Bestfriend's Wedding" where Julia Robert's best friend says," Honey if your chasing him and he's chasing her, who's chasing you!" It was like an "AHA" moment and I never wanted to be that girl, constantly running like a fool  for love. Don't get me wrong, I have my issues-I'm a falling fool. I fall easily and deeply too many times BUT if it ends, it ends and I resume to my regular scheduled program. I look at it as it was good while it lasted but its over now and  NOW I  can't let it takeover my mind. After all the drama I've witnessed and experienced I have something to prove to myself, that I must find true happiness inside myself because I was not going to run to the ends of the earth for a man that felt no need to do the same for me. Why waste so much time giving so much love to someone not meant to have it anyway and suddenly that becomes your life, that IS your life. Sometimes I was mistaken as being cold-hearted or that I didn't care which stings a bit because it couldn't be further from the truth. I'll always care more than I'll like to admit but I played tug of war with my emotions, understanding that the heart is deceitful at times, pulling at you to feel something, anything whether those emotions are good or bad. The heart seeks out the passions and disasters, the pleasures and the pains, the wins along with the losses. It's not meant to be your conscious, it only shows you your humanity. The hearts job is to make you feel everything! Essentially my happiness relies on me so whether I'm single or not...it will always exist within me. One day I had to discover love for myself, I had to discover the love of myself. I will never depend on anyone for the sake of my happiness because no one is responsible for my happiness but my own and  frankly that's exactly the way it should be. I love the fact that I can be with someone and without a doubt know it can be over tomorrow and my life won't be any less sweeter or happier. Not to say it  won't hurt because it does, I am human but it won't dictate me at the end of the day, it won't make or break me. I have to realize I'll be okay and understand that a knight in shiny armor might not come and THAT is okay too. Living off the love of someone else is bound to fail because once its gone your link to love is gone because you never made it a priority to allow itself to root in you. The person  you were with  was your source so you chase after it to get it back, you'll do whatever it takes to know it again. You end up doing things you never thought you would do and it still doesn't work and now your depressed, lost because the love you thought was forever wasn't so forever. Lovers will come and go but love is its own separate entity and will remain once everything fades to black so find that and no one will determine your happiness...not even man.