Sharday Was Here

Every now and again, your eyes on some random walk will scan a short message; an engraving left by an unknown stranger. You'll see it on the cement road, the center of a tree trunk, on the corner of your desk from high school, the last page of your yearbook, in the closet of your new home, a bathroom stall. A brief message that someone was here...exactly where you are now. Someone from yesterday or possibly from 20 years ago but someone wanted to be remembered by anyone who cared enough to read it. For  a moment, your mind travels through the possibilities of who this person was, who they could have been and you wonder where they are now? Are they still alive? For a moment, you wish you could know this person because whatever journey your on now, they were on it too. When I see those messages, I want to believe they made it through life okay, that they became everything they wanted to and seeing their messages made me believe their journey was mine now and I  too was going the right way. I think we live to leave our permanent message behind...our mark on society that says we were here. I can't think of anything else I would want more than this and why it's so important to me I can 't  quite figure out just yet. Once I finished my book Death of a Black Star and it was officially published, I was fulfilled and relieved because I knew that was my mark. It was my "Sharday was here" message that I was leaving behind. This world in short is madness as it should be. It will show you who are in the best and worst of times and many of us including myself look forward to the afterlife when much of the pain long endured on this earth is over. At the same time your triumph stems from your tragedy so I want this life to take its time with me. I don't want to leave here anytime soon but once I do, rest assure I'm leaving a piece of my soul behind

I WAS HERE!!!!

           

"What you know about dreams..."

I am fresh out of the publishing oven writing my first book of poetry called DEATH OF A BLACK STAR. I’m excited, not just for me but Sakura Publishing as well. I mean you have Dan Picone’s poetry book, LOST EVIDENTS! Also on Black Friday along with my book, Kris Campbell’s work, entitled, THE GLASS GIRL, will also be available for sale. On December 3rd, Sakura Publishing will release Brian Gansmann’s DEFEAT WHEAT: YOUR GUIDE TO ELIMINATING GLUTEN AND LOSING WEIGHT and lastly, available now Stephanie Goldman’s DID I REALLY DO MY HAIR FOR THIS? Buy these great books today!!!

http://www.sakura-publishing.com/books.php

Now before I get all deep like I ususally do I have to say, this journey has been a great one at that and I’ve enjoyed this whole process immensly. You want to write a book, hey…I know a guy. Sakura Publishing is where it’s at!

www.sakura-publishing.com

In the process of writing this book, I do that thing I do. I think, I reflect, I share. Soooo here I go…..

We all have dreams. Whether they’re good or bad, inspirational or depressing, whatever it is, we each possess our own that caters to our own individuality. We are complex creatures so how we view, obtain, or reach for those dreams all differ.

I remember when I believed dreams to be unobtainable. That the dream was to dream because that was all it could ever be. I flourished as a daydreamer, loosing myself in the fantasy of things. When you’re young it’s the most beautiful escape from the conformity you work so hard to be a part of. It’s not so much you wanted it as it was the feeling you needed to have it. Like it was the initiation to normalcy before you came to the understanding that there was no such thing. You wanted to blend in, you wanted to be liked. My earlier dreams where of love. I would lean forward with a slouched sloppiness onto my desk as my head rested in my hands and dream of the men I loved who I could pretend loved me back. Oh sweet adolescence… how I don’t miss you at all.

As I got a little older though still quite young and foolish, I concluded my dreams would come to me. I assumed if I wanted my dreams, well they wanted me just the same. All I had to do was just sit there. Relaxed and lazy atop of a big green hill and wait for it like a hurried wind. My dreams would envelop me as I sat there almost famous. I wanted to be a singer, an actress, a celebrity. I wanted to be somebody rather than nobody and nothing makes you feel more like a nobody than living in a small town. You feel like there’s only one dream worth having…as long as it involves being rich or famous. Those sorts of dreams appear most unrealistic to small town folk so it’s almost always more desirable to strive for what most people see as impossible. Who doesn’t want to prove everyone wrong? But I was young and still uncomfortable in my own skin and completely unaware of my real dreams.

College came and went like the perfect voyage. Some days it felt like there was no end in sight and other days you could see glimpses of possibilities. And then finally, there she is…graduation. Then the reality sets in and the uncertainty you feel, wondering if this is a good thing or a bad thing. But somehow you know it was all necessary no matter the outcome because it was the journey of joys and struggles that made the adventure worthwhile. You found out who you really were. In college I found out about my dreams, my real dreams. It really wasn’t about finding the perfect major or finding that great job that’s gonna make me millions of dollars. I guess my life would be much easier if it was. I fell in love with men and it never really worked out. I took classes I really didn’t care about but I had this one thing that surpassed it all….writing. Nothing really seemed to make me happier and poetry was the most of these. I needed college to figure that out…I just wish it didn’t cost me so much money.

I realized my dreams weren’t unobtainable and I knew I couldn’t wait for them either. I knew that if I put forth the effort to seek my dreams out then fate would have a much harder time denying me of what was rightfully mine. Eventually, if you work hard enough, the thing you were meant to do will eventually take hold of you as long as you keep reaching out for it. For the past 5 years, the only dream I can remember having is writing a book and now I’m seeing that dream come true. It’s like reality met my dream world in which they’ve inexplicably collided and have come to comfortably exist within one another. I’m really happy about this.

I have something to say and writing was the venue I was given to say what I must. It’s amazing the gifts we’re given and the need to share it to the world. Whether you’re a basketball player working towards a championship, an activist fighting for justice, or a writer publishing a book, we need YOU out there to be a part of it. I’m hungry for the reader, the stranger who will read my words and love it. For the reader who will want more of me because they understand or because they can relate or even because it makes them want to do something about it. It’s about my impact on you and the emotions I can evoke out of you.

My book is here and I’ve reached a dream as I know you will yours. There are a many more to be realized and more accomplishments to be reached by all of us because there is always a beginning and never a ending when you get the hang of it, just unfinishing’s.

DEATH OF A BLACK STAR will be released on Black Friday (11-25-11)!!!! You can pre-order it today!

http://www.sakura-publishing.com/books.php

My Life Be Like...

Ahhhhh, where do I even begin? Is there even a beginning to begin with? Life is constant, forever moving and your permanently moving amidst the in betweens forgetting what happened at first or what happens in the end. I'm moving, lost in the sky again. I keep telling people to look at the sky but they keep giving me that crazy Sharday stare wondering what's the big deal. It appears while every one's being normal, I've got my head in the clouds yet again. I was just telling Gabby and Wendy..."Where did 2011 go???" Honestly I have no idea, it came like a gust of wind and all too quickly it left just the same, leaving me a bit speechless and chilly from the cold it left behind. I feel like 2011 just stood me up or did I stand 2011 up? Either way, we didn't care enough to figure out who wronged who, we were somehow still satisfied in whatever conclusion came out of it because here I am...still alive and still blessed because I am alive. There ARE of course some highlights but that's neither here nor there...at least not until December 31st who welcomes self reflection and life recaps with a box of Kleenex and a brand new year.

So what's been up? Nuthin, jus chillin! I got a book comin out soon and I'm gonna be pushin that book like a hustla trying to sell a cheap gold chain!!!!......except this book is not a cheap gold chain AT ALL. *I'm smiling* What is enclosed in this book is the me that nobody sees or knows because there's something about the pen that I can't stop confiding in and the paper just listens, always listening. I could go on and on cuz I'm weird like that but it's simple...I can write better than I speak and once you read this book, you'll definitely agree. It's a natural thing like love, you're not supposed to get it, you feel it and you follow it. I'm excited because it took a team and man, did I get a dream team. All our efforts paid off and we truly created something to be proud of. Awwww man, I can't wait!!!!!

I finally watched something educational on Netflix but it had sex in the title so does that even count. I hope it counts. It's gotta count. Anyway, it was interesting to me for A many of reasons. The video talked about how the subtlest sounds, sights and smells and how it can affect sex appeal, and the genetic, hormonal and neurological factors which can create sparks between people. During the video I had my "yeeeah right" moments and then those "hmmm oh really" moments or the "well that makes sense" moments. One of the studies talked about how we are attracted not to the lopsided face but to the equal sided face, which is good to know because if I fell in love with the man trapped downstairs in the Goonies movie, I would be so ticked OFF! Another study traced where men's eyes go when they look at a woman which they focus on the hips of all places. They say its because the bigger the hip, the more mature...past puberty mature and you're pretty much baby ready.

I found the studies during a woman's ovulation interesting because apparently we talk higher, we look younger, and we just rope em on in! I guess I was curious because when I'm out about going to work, there's always a man trying to get SOMETHING. Your phone number, a date, a name, an age, if you have a boyfriend....all these questions I don't feel like answering especially to some stranger. But I would wonder, what is it about me that makes you want me so badly, that makes you act so persistently. Ok, there's the obvious man wants sex but for the one's that's deeper than that, it is a curious thing to know what that "thing" is exactly that is drawing this particular person to you.

Ok, what else??? "...we're going to skate to one song...one song only." Except me Gabby ride to it every time we go out and put it on repeat. "No one knows what it means but its provocative." And may I add addicting. Gotta love Ye and Jay for that one...."And they going gorillas HUH!"

I swear the crazies on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round...
So its about 9am when I get on the 381 bus headed east towards the Dan Ryan and I have my headphones on to tune the crazies out but one episode occurred where I turned the music off to let the crazies in! This poor child on the bus which I'm assuming he had autism or some socially corrupted quality because he blew my mind. At first I didn't have my headphones on but this kid, who was with his father, was talking extremely loud and obnoxious to him about a game maybe, an adventure, some sort of dreamworld he was recounting. His father looked ahead calmly and zombie-like as if he heard it before, completely undisturbed by his sons overwhelming loudness. I mean it wasn't cute like "ooh look at the little boy telling a sweet little made up story." No it was like "somebody tell this kid to shut the bleep up." He was probably 8 or 9 years old and as he was screaming, he spread out the newspaper in front of him like it was a map and he looked up at his father "...And then there was the waterfall...And the monster....Who was trying to catch me....And that's why I don't go there anymore....its dangerous...I don't trust that place." I put my headphones on. An old lady comes on the bus and she's this precious sweet looking old woman and she she scoots her way to the first seat closest to her which is where this little boy is sitting. The father quickly grabs his son and places him a seat over so the old woman can sit down. The boy snaps. I take my headphones off. "I don't want her to sit down right here, Why can't she move, " he whines loudly. The poor lady sits there contemplating if she should just move. Every one's looking at this point including myself. You would think by now, it wouldn't phase me but this kid was kind of entertaining. So the father tries shushing him saying "C'mon now, don't act like that. Stop, don't be like that." He was so calm about it that I figured this must happen a lot because at this point, if that was me and my mother. My jaw would have been on one end of the bus and my tongue at the other end while pieces of my teeth would be scattered throughout the entire bus.

Then the kid yells MAN! AM I GOING TO HAVE TO SLAP SOMEBODY ON THIS BUS! DOES SOMEBODY NEED ME TO SLAP THEM! I kid you not, he looks at this old woman and says, "LADY! AM I GONNA HAVE TO SLAP YOU!" My mouth dropped. I literally had to pick it up off the floor. My usual poker face was gone and I was like, is this kid for real. The kid calms down after a minute and starts pretending to write in the newspaper. He's trying to show his dad something and as he dad picks up the paper. The kid snaps again. "AWWW MAN, you ripped my paper, how could you rip my paper, now I can't use this." The newspaper drops. "DAMN!" He yells. He eventually calms down and I know the dad is relieved and he even coughs a chuckle because sometimes when ya can't cry, you laugh. I just felt like that kid needed some medical attention because that was crazy but that's my crazies on the bus story. Gotta Love it.

I'm one of those extra complicated girls who dated some guys, fell in love with some guys but really somehow only ended up having one real boyfriend. When I really analyze my love life, there was really one boy where there was a definite claim to fame. I am his and she is mine. There was a title-He boyfriend and I girlfriend. We went on dates, we did things as a couple, we held hands. You know all that gushy and annoying stuff people who are together do. Yea well he's coming to my neck of the woods around Thanksgiving and I'm excited because a part of me is still desperate for some sort of friendship between us. We self destructed some years ago and never really put ourselves back together again. We would just occasionally kick the pieces around to see if the limbs still moved and then continue on her own paths that never really lead back to each other. I have a soft spot for him but then again I'll always have a soft spot for anyone that has some sort of significant meaning in my life. I'll never be able to let anyone go completely because once I love you, I love you for good. What do I want from him? I don't know, I guess I just thought we would still be friends and I don't know why that bothers me so much. I also fear he hasn't changed and he just wants what all men wants. To get what they "want" even if that "want" is the right "want". Ahhh, I'm thinking too much. It's 1:45 am, I should only be thinking this deeply about chocolate or ice cream. I would really like to see him though, that would make me happy.

I was gonna talk about something else involving men but it's still too weird. Sorry, its not me its you. Excuse me, I meant its not you its me. Sorry maybe next time.

I recently got drunk off Ebay for a couple of nights hence the great costume I found for a really really cheap price that I looooove by the way. Why am I so late about finding out about all this great stuff. Lets just say there were some nights I was clued to the computer eyes wide open, stone faced, typing and clicking. Occasionally, I would drop my eyes to the time on the bottom right corner: 12:40, 2:15, 5:50. It was getting pretty insane until I didn't really read the fine print about bidding and won a bid I did not want to win. Then it was Boooo ebay on to the next great addiction.

Hmmm, I like that Rihanna we found love. Song annnnnd video I'm afraid. Don't understand why people are tripping about the video. I think it's honest, an artful portrayal of a destructive relationship. Its like any addict who's addicted to drugs or alcohol, last time I checked that was reality. It's chaotic, sporadic, hectic, sad, painful, pleasurable....all the things that make up love and war. I guess I'm ending on that video...its 2:10 am goodnight!

Happy Sweetest Day

I love the last two blocks through my neighborhood at night, waiting for the perfect song to play. Incubus-Echo. The kind of song you want to hear when your pretending... I look up and find my luminescent moon again and the wind is but cold kisses. I smell wood burning from fire places and I'm walking nowhere until the song is over and the party next to me is nothing but a waker of dreams and I'm back to the reality of things. But I fret not because its Sweetest Day and though I am one of the single ones...still the night was very sweet to me. Oh and Happy Sweetest Day to all you sick puppies out there!!!

V is for Vendetta

I blame the city. I could literally see its fight to make me over. To be harder, tougher than the small town girl I once was. In the beginning, I was undaunted by its sharp tongue and cold touch. It was laughable to me, the cities attempt to frighten me with its broken images of a forsaken city or darkened stares from city walkers warning an outsider like me to watch her back. I was naive but I was strong, unfazed by the thoughts of the restless. I was just excited about the journey, paying no attention to the hungry wolves grazing they're razor sharp teeth behind the woods. But then again, I was safely protected by the university walls, completely clueless to the realities of what was going on. Once I started working in the city, I knew the small town act was a show that wasn't going to work here. I had to develop some sort of backbone because I wasn't a princess and there wasn't going to be a knight in shining armor riding up on his white horse in preparation of saving me. It almost felt like it was happening overnight. I could see myself fitting into this picture that at one point I was terribly awkward in. I was turning I thought. I'm slowly becoming....

Barely recognizing who I was one day walking with a rhythmic ease one night as the homeless man didn't scare me like he usually does. I wasn't afraid of being attacked like I usually am. The random buzzing of innuendos from voices of men walking along the shadows could not deter me. I realized I could handle them all. On days I could give to the homeless man, I would give to the homeless man, he understood just the same. God bless you he says either way. I've learned when you're in the city, you just have to be wise about your surroundings especially the time. Never linger, get to were you're going. The men are easy, nothing a pair of loud headphones can't solve. Mostly, what I observed in the city, besides your common bad apples that are going to start something regardless is everyone is on the same page. We are all tired, just trying to get home safely. There's also no need to walk around extra paranoid like an out of towner, just relax.

But somewhere in the transformation, I was loosing too much of myself. I have so much respect for people who grew up in the city. Its rougher out here opposed to the small town life I was accustomed. You have to learn early on to watch your back and trust very few. Early on, you have to decipher who's for you and who's against you and make it known. People have tougher skin and are much more guarded and that's because they have to be. The city has its own culture just like a small town has its own culture. I was trying to fit in this culture and in the process forgot about who I was, always open, always forgiving, always accepting. I lost it all  to become someone I was terribly uncomfortable with.

I shut people out and I closed myself off because I thought I had too. I mean that's how you survive in the city right? If someone does wrong by you, you either do them wrong right back or walk away and never look back. But that wasn't me and I realized I have to do what makes me happy. Call it naive or biblical, I'm letting all my ill wills go. I'm making amends. Not just for them but for myself because all it is...is freedom.

I was walking around with a huge V on my chest and I mask I didn't even look good in all for a victory that was lost before it even began. No more vendettas for me.

L is for Love is my kind of style anyway. I've always look good in that!

Cherish The Day

I'm not huge concert goer, skip that, I don't even really GO to concerts. Its weird because I love music but somehow going to concerts never made it on my to do list. Its killing me because I can't even remember the last concert I've been to. I'm not talking about impromptu concerts at amusement parks or a gospel/rock concert that someone invited me to on a whim but a concert by an artist I really wanted to see and that I paid a ridiculous amount of money to see. So I go into the deepest parts of my brain that I don't even use anymore trying to figure out when is the last concert I've been too.

I laugh. I close my eyes, drop my head, and I laugh. Really Sharday. I'm even embarrassed for myself. The last legitimate concert I went to was the All-That Concert...had to be in 1999ish. Remember when Nickelodeon had the teen version of SNL variety show...Keenan and Kel, Pizza Boy, The Amanda Show. Man, takes me back! Fresh out the box, STOP, look and watch, Ready yet, Get set, It's alllllll that! TLC starts in.....This is Alllllll That Oh-oooo-oooo-ohhhh, this is Alllll That. Memories.

My mom got the tickets somehow and me, my brother and cousins were headed to best concert ever and we were toooooo excited. I wanted to see Brandy, she was my idol at the time. For a minute, I thought I could sing and she was the one I imitated, the one I pretended to be. Nick Carter was there, 98 Degrees, Vitamin C and other artists who are completely irrelevant now. It was the Late 90's/early 00's, bubble gum pop at its best. I remember loving it, it gave me a high....the crazy fans, the loud music, the dancing....its an exhilarating atmosphere to be in. Somehow I must have forgotten the feeling and never remembered it again because that was pretty much the last concert I went to.

June 25, 2009, Michael Jackson dies. I always thought one day I would see him in concert. When I heard about the tour, I halfway thought I would be able to and then Michael Jackson dies. I reached enlightenment that day. Your favorite artists are not immortal...they will die. You must see your favorite artists in concert before they die.

In March 2011, a random ad runs across my peripheral of a Sade tour coming to the states. This was it! Hands down one of my favorite artist. Her voice, her lyrics, her music, all which are relentless on my heart.

She hadn't toured in the states for a decade and I thought I am going to her concert.

Getting tickets to her concert was significant in many ways. 1. I'm named after her. My mother was nine months pregnant when my mother and father saw her in concert. Maybe I was born to love her and her music. 2. When I was 12 or 13, I came across her CD and fell in love with it without the knowledge that I was named after her. 3. Soldier of Love, her new album and the title track to her first single, had just come out singing the very theme song to my life at that moment. Everything lined up like the planets in the universe so it was time to jump back on the concert band wagon and I did...spending my whole paycheck on one ticket.

I was just about done paying online before I hit the Buy button. I hesitated, wondering what the hell am I thinking, I could use that money for countless other things. More responsible things like student loans and for a second I was listening. I was even having second thoughts and then that other side of me said SCREW THAT! You only live once. I make the final click and call it a day.

Six months had come and gone. Six months of anticipation. Six months of everyone telling me how great she is live. Six months until I find out for myself if she is everything I believed her to be.

July 6, 2011 had arrived. I was going alone because I didn't expect anyone including my best friend to pay what I paid. This was a gift for myself. A gift that frankly I didn't want anyone to ruin. I was nervous before I left. Maybe partly because I was going alone, because I didn't want to be late, because I hoped she would be great, because I really wanted to have a good time and enjoy myself. All the hype was ending and soon it would be reality to have the final say. I wanted everything to be great......

......And it was. It was more than great. It was the best actually. I sandwiched myself in between two hot couples who were equally amazing. I was comfortable. I couldn't sit down during the concert. I think she got a look at me. I think she smiled. Her voice was perfect, she was ab-so-lute-ly stunning and I had glorious seats. The stage set up and the band were worth mentioning...it made the atmosphere so incredible. It wasn't quite heaven but it was definitely a jazz bar down the street from it. I was so drunk from her energy, her air, her movement, voice, the music. I didn't want it to end.

So now I'm a little addicted. For my birthday...September 30th, I bought another ticket to see another one of my favorite artist. Incubus. I will be in the pit, rocking out to my favorite band in Texas on my birthday. How sick is that.

UPDATE- Yea, it was pretty sick! 

Why I Love Foreign Men

My love life. (Blows out a loooong sigh, looks left and right, hoping to find answers or solace in this dark lit room. Silence. Another sigh. Even the air remains speechless.) I barely have the energy to explain my love life or the lack there of and has been for awhile.

I mean, I have enough dating, mentally challenged attempts at relationships that could fill a novel but a good long serious healthy loving relationship. Yeah, thats never quite happened for me. Or just a good ol' consistent series of healthy love moments...hell...just a good ol' consistent series of love instances, seconds, nano seconds. I've had short, inconsistent, incomplete, unhealthy love moments with men whom I've loved and I'll cherish those forever but no...its been awhile since there was a mutual claim that I am his and she is mine kind of thing.

There always seems to be these extra piles of complicated, miscommunication, drama, misunderstandings, fear, and pride that stops me dead in my tracks. I'm let down every time and now it just doesn't surprise me. Men don't surprise me, there words and actions are getting so predictable that now all I can do is chuckle a light hearted laugh that knew this moment was bound to happen. Walk out the door and never look back.

My bestie said it best, "Your bullshit quota has been reached." I fear she is right. I'm not the same girl that accepted all the mind games and went running back into the arms of someone hoping they would hold me back. I can't be that girl anymore and frankly, I don't want to be that girl anymore. I'm tired of being someones happy ending, where in the hell is mine? Where is the man to defy predictability, the ordinary, and be something amazing. Something I've never seen before.To grab a hold of me and not let me go. Just so we're clear, I'm not looking for the perfect guy or the guy who acts just like the other guy, I'm looking for the different guy. A rebel of the typical man who doesn't conform to the troublesome ways of our average thinking man today. You know the man who isn't scared to approach you, too scared to claim you, or the ones who aren't afraid of rejection. The ones who aren't all hot and bothered if the time is right, if they're stable enough. Ok I get it! It makes sense, these are things that are normal and should be thought about but why...why can't love be indulged in like a big bowl of chocolate ice cream. Does anyone just revel in it, enjoy and appreciate its beautiful moments anymore. Everyone's thinking too much, in turn, leaving yours truly completely loveless.

Where am I going with this, I think that's why I love foreign men. On the train today, suddenly I knew why I'm drawn to foreign men. Not just any foreign man but the foreign man who can't speak that much English. Aha! Just when you thought I couldn't think any crazier...I just keep thinking and getting all kinds of crazier. There's not alot of dialogue that can be shared which puts the focus on the chemistry, the emotion, the eyes, the touch. All these great things between a man and woman are suddenly enhanced because of the lack of words. Communication is great, trust me I know, I was a freaking communications major but when men and women talk, two different worlds collide and nothing makes sense anymore and all these words are sent back and forth which become corrupted and infected and becomes nothing but a destroyer of everything that could be. Its sounds crazy I know but take this example for instance:

I was in the Dominican Republic and there was this guy who was very persistent and I promise you we were so funny together because  he barely knew two words of English but I remember having the funnest time with him. I remember laughing the most with him. We had a magic that didn't need words, an understanding that we weren't afraid to deny. We were just effortless in many ways, enjoying each others company. We spent a lot of time pointing, motioning, pulling, and laughing. It was quite amusing and I enjoyed every minute of it.

The foreign man that I can't understand makes his intentions clear. He can't show me by words so he shows me by his actions. He pulls me close, he looks at me with passion, he touches me sweetly, his hands never leave me. The foreign man whispers words I don't know or understand in my ear but I like them because they're soft and gentle. The foreign man fights for me. The foreign man isn't afraid.

I love words, that's obvious. But sometimes it's the absence of words that you'll find the truth in its entirety. If actions speak louder than words....than some of the men I've been with are as quiet as a mouse.

I guess at the end of the day, I am not a fan of the big talker but of the big doer. So when words are limited, foreign men are more than happy to make up for it and I appreciate that. I feel like I just found a cheat sheet. When loves pretty much non-existent...go oversees. There's always someone there waiting to love you.

I NEED that passion, the urgency, the wanting, the right now love. Its alive, its lovely.

“Love is passion, obsession, someone you can’t live without. If you don’t start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who’ll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I’m not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you’ll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love – well, you haven’t lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven’t tried, you haven’t lived.”- William Parrish in Meet Joe Black

When the Alien Outlives The Black Man In A Movie...They've Gone Too Far!

I love going to the movies, its my favorite obsession and the theatre to me might as well be a big pause button. Life seems to stand still for 2 hours and everyone is on mute. As soon as the lights go dim, my phone's off and all I see is this huge bright screen that I'm about to immerse myself in and tune into their reality like its mine too. Nothing else matters but the story in front of me and most of my friends could tell you, I'm hypnotized...I fall into some sort of trance that not even the snapping of fingers can take me out of. Nope, only the ending credits can do that.

So you can imagine when my friend and I decided on taking a trip to the movies I was excited because its been a minute. I'm either working or sleeping so I thought this would be a niicccce escape...or....a poor mans getaway. Hey, if I could hop over to Africa or China I would, without a moments hesitation but when you dig in your pockets and all you seem to pull out is a 10 dollar bill and some lint...its looking like your odds are probably going to be the movies. It is what it is but I'm not mad, its better than nothing. But side note, the movies are beginning to loose it with prices themselves...charging 14 dollas...yes dollas for 3D movies that you don't even care to see in 3D but because the only showings they offer at the moment are in 3D, you gotta go for broke to watch there little funky attempt to throw some weak 3 dimensional scenes in a mostly 2 dimensional movie. I fear in the future finding places that will do people right will be so scarce, your more likely to see George Bush at your local Harolds Chicken Shack hanging out with the guys on the corner, making jokes and having a good time.

The first movie we sat through was Super 8...one of those desperately anticipated movies because the trailers are 2.5 seconds long and all they show is someone with there mouth open gasping or some major accident thats got the town all stirred up and crazy. Its set in 1979 in a small town in Ohio and its centered around 4 small young boys trying to make a super 8 film. A truck derails a train, people are missing, suspicions arise, blah blah blah and overall it was pretty good. A little too cheesy for me as far as dialogue but I appreciated its modern take on classic innocence from films you saw back in the day like ET. Movies are so saturated in sex and gore that it was refreshing. Now saying all that, it had its smdh *shaking my damn head*  moments for obvious reasons but we'll get to that.

We went straight into another movie after that. I truly have some ride or die movie going friends. R and G are always up for back to back movie watching and I love that. One time, the three of us saw three movies back to back. Thats 6 hours of straight movie watching, we came in at 8:30pm and didn't get out until 2:30 in the AM. We R Ridiculous lol! Anyway, the next movie was X-Men; the first class....something like that. I heard this was good so I was more so looking forward to this one because its bit more action based annnnnnnnd it was, I really enjoyed it. I've never been into the whole comic book marvel thing so I never really understood the depth to these stories but I felt like they did a great job of showing X-Men's beginnings and the unfolding of some characters and how they came to be, how some relationships unfolded from friendships to enemies, how alliances formed, how some characters came to be good and others evil. It was interesting because I was talking out loud understanding where the plot line was going. You know I would say...Ah, thats how he was paralyzed and I found myself wording the script like I wrote it. But as much as I enjoyed it, I found myself yet again shaking my damn head.

You know I'm not the type of person to be incredibly deep about the stereotypes in movies because we'll always have stereotypes in movies but I blame it on seeing two movies in one setting that both did the black man so wrong. I was just DAMN!... can ya'll just let the black man finish to the end of the movie. Can ya'll just let the black man live! I mean c'mon....in Super 8, the black man was killed almost immediately and its centered in a small town of majority white people. So you mean to tell me, in a movie with all these white people, with some to spare, you gonna kill this only black man. C'MON MAN!!! Outta all these white extras, you can't spare one...not one???? Ok so I let it pass because I was like, they're gonna put in another one, they have to. And behold, another black man appeared and before I could settle comfortably back in my chair....dude was evil...yep, he was on the bad side. SMDH. But what made it worst is that, the main bad guy(who was white) didn't even kill the good black guy...oh no, he had his black second in command do it. So the only two black people and one of them killed the other. I was like oh heeeeeelllll naw! Why couldn't the actual main bad guy do it. It just trip me out a bit I wanted to brush it off and go into the next movie.

So I'm watching x-men right and they have two black people in the first class and its all good right. One scene happened and changed the whole game around just like that. BAM! Black guy dies....damn! And the black girl decides to be on the evil side....double damn! So now, I've just watched two movies in a row with just two black characters where one dies and the other is evil....kinda getting pissed off at this point. There was a whole bunch a white people in this movie too....so tell me why the black man has to die again???? At this point I'm just not understanding the cognitive thinking of the writers and directors of the movie because you know they have to be specific. I can just imagine the writers and directors..."Alright, now we have to find the black man we're gonna kill off in the first five minutes of the movie....oh yea and don't forget about the ones we're gonna turn evil...we don't want not one standing by the end of this movie you hear me...NOT ONE!" "I can't afford to spare the white extras you see for a split second, there just two darn valuable!"

Its funny because even the alien in Super 8 survived, here is this alien who is being kept captive and experimented on...he escapes, undergoes massive shooting and bombing but lives and finds his way back home YET the black man gets hit by a train...survives....ONLY to be killed by another black man??? Crazy! X-men indulges in all this talk about having pride, love who you are as a mutant, fight for your race while there killing all the black people off...so the mutants are inhuman can live but this brotha can't lol. Crazy!

I'm sorry if this offends you but I promise you when you see this all the time in big blockbuster films...it tends to get upsetting and if it was the other way around, trust me...it would bother you too. And yes, you could argue *its just a movie, who cares* but these visual messages go alot deeper than you think. I just watched a video not too long ago where little black girls would rather play with white barbie dolls because they they thought that was beautiful opposed to barbies with their own skin color, which they believed were ugly. They believed they were ugly themselves and that lighter means prettier, smarter, and better. Where do these children get this internal hate from? Theu're everywhere. In the media, music, movies....it is all corrupted with messages and words to help contribute to the negativity people feel about themselves, to hate themselves, and feel poorly about themselves. At the end of the day, I was just disappointed that Hollywood is still this ridiculously bad at there interpretation of a black man. That he is either a dead man or a evil man. SAD.

What Love Taste Like...

I spent all day at work today treating time like the friend I never really wanted. I just wanted time on my good side in hopes that he would have pity on me and move expediently faster for the sake of my sanity. Yesterday was Easter Sunday which was a great day by the way but an exhausting one at that so you can imagine Monday morning I felt like I had a hangover. Getting up is the hardest part. I usually set my alarm a good 4 or 5 times, hoping that my brain will at some point register that I'm a young adult who has to face the responsibility of having a job...that I have to be on time for that job.

I woke up this morning with the greatest desire to be a kid again. But then again, as a kid we had school, so since childhood we've been conditioned and trained to get up early so why in the hell is it still sooooo hard to get up in the morning. Oh I know why, because I was working until midnight the night before, which as a kid...that wouldn't have happened. Lights were out before nine. I also woke up bright and early to clean the house in preparation for dinner that evening...if I was a kid, moms would have taken care of that. Went to church by 11am and got out around 2:30pm. If I was a kid, I would have fallen asleep in church and been well rested by the time I got home. Had dinner around 4pm with great people and headed to the movies for a late showing. We get older and there's so much more that seems to be going on, the earth is just a spinning top and your left with this dizzy vomiting feeling after looking at it too long. So today I had done what all of us do...simply wanting the earth, time...whatever it is to just stop moving for a second. Push pause so I could just sleep. To indulge in the silence, the halting of time. Unfortunately this too much to ask because 6:30 am quickly find 7:30 am.

Work is bearable but I'm barrelling through it, literally. In a way, those people have no clue who I am because I treat work like a second life. I don't confuse my work life with my outside life. Many of them are clueless to this goofy silly, completely absurd person I am. I almost don't know why I hide who I am to them. But over the years I've come to be more protected over myself and who I show all of me to. I guess the crazier and outlandish I am to you is me trusting you. There are very few people I can honestly say have seen all my layers...and there are a lot of layers. I've almost become complacent with the friends I have so much so, I can see myself retreating from meeting new people and getting to them and vice versa. I don't like that though...

Finally its 6pm, and I might as well have been a gust of wind out the doors I was so ready to leave. I'm walking to the bus stop and I see this Indian guy and I'm wondering if he was the same guy I saw a couple days ago or a week ago...idk, when your not really paying attention but paying some sort attention to bits and pieces its like you get an idea of the puzzle but you just can't form a complete picture to the puzzle. I have no idea why I care about this Indian guy, maybe its the way he looks at me and I'm curious to know what he's thinking. I wonder if he was thinking if I'm the same girl he saw a couple days ago or a week ago.

I dig in my purse to crab a mini-sized york peppermint patty. I had a whole bag full. Wendy got them for me because I like minty candy...and ice cream. We have that in common, I think she tossed them in my room yesterday and I absentmindedly threw them in my bag this morning knowing I wasn't going to have time to pack a lunch...I never do but every night I assume I will. Has yet to happen. I'm at the bus stop and its rainy and gloomy but I take a bite into this york peppermint patty and for some reason this york peppermint patty has ignited this theory that this is what love must feel like....like biting and eating a york peppermint patty.

The taste was fresh, sweet, quick, hard, soft, strong. As I'm writing this, it truly sounds like a bad corny commercial but it was very enlightening lol. I just thought, I want to love like this; experience something immediate.... feel the quickness of love rushing into me as soon as I set my eyes on them. A knowing that this is going be something great. Seriously, have you ever tasted a york peppermint patty, you feel like you just ate the freshest piece of ice from a sacred everglade or something. There's this breathtaking kind of aftertaste your mouth gets from eating a york peppermint patty and its like you took a bite out of the most clean fresh sweet and minty thing that ever existed. Like something pure and untainted. I'm not crazy...I'm just saying...to love, like God loved an undiscovered land when he painted it with snow, ice, water (hence the taste of a york peppermint patty), It would all make sense why love was created in the first place.

By the last bite, I was pondering the question. What if he was the one? What if it was happening now. What if right here and right now, we tasted like this peppermint patty I was eating now? What kind of life would we lead as a black woman and an Indian man? Would I get married in India and have a traditional wedding with beads and bright colors? I was suddenly curious. A part of me wished it was now, finally but a part of me was relieved that it wasn't. That in actuality this man only stood out to me because he was the only one there...I wasn't in awe of him or his looks. He was just a guy and I a girl but I couldn't help wondering...it could of been him. We could have fell in love right there...but we didn't and then the bus came and let me on first.

Ummm this is the best I could do lol but I'm kinda proud of myself!

We both got off the same stop. Weird. Then we proceeded to get on the next bus together..he let me get on first. I sat down but the bus was practically full so he stood with his laptop like a fine piece of Indian china awkwardly on display in a African museum. Somewhere in it all, I became distracted by the other faces and outside the window as I usually do when I looked up and he was gone. I was on 87th and Cottage Grove and it was like he evaporated....like he was never there. Maybe he was just the illusion, the illustration I needed to understand the significance of love while eating my peppermint patty. Whatever it was, he was gone now and just like that, he was gone from my mind and my thoughts.

24 Hours Ago...

I should despise your unforgivable eyes. I should be repulsed by your confident stride. Your crooked smile where you hid your grand lies in. You told me I could fly but more importantly you told me you would catch me. You brought me into an empty land in hopes we could build a home there. But you paid with corruption, insincerity, and carelessness. Your effortless “I love you” became just a frequent mask covering up the real foundation you used. I was eager to believe you because I was eager to believe in love so unknowingly I built with you… I flew with you.


One day, I noticed my wing was clipped but you insisted I keep flying because you would catch me if I fell. One day, I noticed the cracks in our house but you told me to keep building because you would repair the broken. You stuffed your faith in me and told me I could believe in you. That I could risk all of me for you and foolishly I jumped without reason, without thought and gave you all I had to give. With broken wings and a house collapsed, I was in ruins before I hit the ground. As the blood spilled from me, I looked at you with bloodshot eyes that were pleading. You glared back unremorseful and unapologetic. As I bled to death, you took your belongings and whistled away. You did not watch me die nor did you care to look back.

The dust from our home had long blown away and my wings were torn from me. I waited for fate to finish my story and be done with me once and for all. As black as it was I was ready to die now but a cool breeze breathed life into me and suddenly my eyes were open. It was a kind, compassionate breeze; loving me and I was not alone. The wind, compassionate enough to flow gently within my fingers and my toes, brushing the back of my hair and ever so softly, it told me to get up. I whispered desperately that I couldn’t. The sky above me angered and turned a gloomy gray.

As the clouds churned and the thunder pounded, the voice grew louder. “Get Up!” I knew my answer would only make the world around me angrier. But I was dying so I had nothing to lose. “Why should I?” Then the heavy voice roared, “Because you are not dead! Get up!” I did not understand because I could feel the pain, like knives cutting into me. I could feel the hurt…abandonment, unloved, lied to, uncared for. I could taste the blood in my mouth. The loud voice continued,” If you knew love you would not be so anxious for death!” But I did know love, which was the reason I was dying in the first place. The voice corrected me, “You know not of real love, you can’t even comprehend how to love yourself, what possibly could you know of love? You will not even get up!”

Tears escaped from my eyes and I wanted now to prove this loud powerful voice wrong. I clinched the ground; my mind was already sending messages throughout my nervous system to revive my limbs. My hands laid flat on the ground pushing myself upward but the pain, physically and emotionally was too much. I gave into its taunting and crashed back to the ground with a loud scream. “Let me love you,” the voice said. “What makes you so different,” I shot back.

“You will never be what you are now, chasing death like you are; unable to stand. You will hurt, you will get tired, but you will never be this…fallen without the will to get up. What you know of is not love, it was a disguise dressed in love. Love is not death but life so what has brought you to this state was not love but its opposite. I will show you wisdom with these things and I will love you to life and if you allow me to show you what love is…nothing in this world will do this to you again. Where you are weak, I will make you powerful, where you are foolish, I will make you wise. Where you are bound, I will set you free. Do you want to know what love is?” the voice asked. “Show me,” I whispered. Immediately the voice came into me… “Get up. Get up from this floor, you will not die here. You are alive my child. I love you. Get up. I know you’re hurting but this will not kill you. Let your body move and come from this place. You are strong enough to get up and start again. You are beautiful, walk with me my dear. Let me hold your hand. Smell the air and breathe. Let me clean you in the river, this blood shall wash away. Let the sun heat up your soul. Let me clean your hair."

I walked from the river to where my broken wings were. “My wings,” I said softly, “I can’t fly anymore.” “You don’t need wings to fly my child. Your spirit and soul can fly without them.” I walked past my home that now lay before me in ruins. “Where will I live, where do I go?” “It is I who brought you back to life and it will be I who will keep you alive. I will show you where you will live and I will show you where you should go.” I caressed the debris of what was left of my old house. “Can’t we rebuild here, maybe he will come back?” "What is here left you for dead and what will come back will only bring you death. You must move on because all that lives here is evil and death. Love yourself more than death and watch yourself become great. You will understand the full knowledge of love”. As she lingered in the destructive land, she took one last look at her broken wings and her ruined home and followed the voice that took her far from that place.

Revelations: A Beautiful Death

I don’t know if anything strikes more fear in the human mind than death. Were all afraid to die yet we know eventually we all will. It’s strange how we’re scared of the inevitable. We know it’s going to happen but when it finally comes, it’s a disturbing shock every time. Its almost like the whole world is standing together with their right arms raised, looking at their watch, waiting for the one who will finally discover immortality. Simultaneously, everyone will all breathe a sigh of relief. What an interesting life that would be? I guess the real scary part about death is not knowing who its gunning for or when it’s coming. There’s no real notice or crypt keeper to warn you that it is coming. There’s no real preparing for it, you just know eventually it will come. We’re left with the ultimate waiting game and that truly sucks.

One of my close friend’s cousins died and it was hard for her. She was left with a lot of questions with few if any answers. All she had left was a list of “whys”? Life and death; a mysterious thread that weaves a tale, leaving us at times a bit uneasy, scared, and confused. It’s a mega-sized sheet of paper that looks like scribble-scratch and you just have to make the best sense out of it as you can. No matter how much you try to decipher the code, it still makes no sense at all so when you see their plan unfold and come to fruition, all you can say is “why.” Usually when death hits, so many thoughts and blames run rampant through your mind and the whole ordeal is so overwhelming. Many blame God, or whoever they can point a finger at to find some sense in it all, some blame themselves. Others just can’t understand people and their actions to take lives, especially innocent, young ones. Looking at our world through a kaleidoscope, it comes across as a very scary world in which you just want to hide under rock because sometimes that seems like the safest place.

I was a church and the pastor came across this scripture that moved me.

“As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." Romans 8:36

And when I thought about death, my friend’s cousin, and constant headlines of death, it really occurred to me how true this statement really was. Death is everywhere and there is no escaping it. Many who live to 80-90 years old are considered blessed because they lived a long good life. They were blessed with a good time frame to accomplish the desires for which they were sent on the earth to do, whether it was to start a family, a successful career, or traveling around the world. They were blessed with time and we all know time can be your best friend or your worst enemy and most of the time; it’s your worst enemy. But that scripture struck a chord in my soul, we are going to die and we are surrounding in it but there is a reason for everything. And as scary as it seems, death is inevitable for a reason and we are surrounding by it for a reason. However you feel about death, there’s no denying its stake on the world, it is going to be here forever, so how do we cope? How do we deal with death without the ever-present fear of doom it leaves over our head? The scripture continues…

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:37-39

There are so many distractions that pull us away from God including death. Death is so powerful that in the mist of it, we pull away from God whether to blame him or stop believing in him because death has loomed over our family and friends. But God did not promise immortality, he promised us salvation. There will come a day when we all must say good-bye to this life so when I read that scripture, I get this A-ha moment. I can accept death for what it is and not let it control my life and even though death may come to me or my loved ones, I will not let that deter me from my love for God because the gift he has given me will and forever be more powerful than death. The bond that I have with God is much stronger than death, the gift I will carry here and long after I have left this earth. It is ever-lasting. I hate death as much as the next person and there are ways to prevent the deaths of innocents, wars, and crimes but I get it-that death should not control me or my relationship with God. It should not separate me from Him.

I was walking to the bus stop for work and I was walking past a graveyard with my headphones on and it was relatively beautiful outside. Winter was in the process of finding its way out and I was appreciating the arrival of the sun and the rejuvenating light she was leaving on my skin. I looked at the graveyard, I looked up at the sky, and without warning one of my favorite Red Hot Chili Peppers songs begin to play, one of their first singles called Under the Bridge bring a strange sense of clarity to me…

“I drive on her streets
'Cause she's my companion
I walk through her hills
'Cause she knows who I am
She sees my good deeds and
She kisses me windy and
I never worry”

I was filled with gratefulness to be alive. Though death is around me, I was so appreciative to have this moment outside to breathe in the air, to move my limbs, to feel the sun and the wind. That I had this time and this moment to live…

“At least I have her love
The city she loves me
Lonely as I am
Together we cry”

I’m not always going to be here, we have so much and so little time to revel in the great things about this world before our time is up. I just don’t want to forget it so I walked remembering that this world is doomed yet she couldn’t be more beautiful.

“Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way
I don't ever want to feel
Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love”

We all are living the best we know how in spite of the many obstacles and barriers that stand in our way but we continue on this journey trying to make use of the time we have left. We suffer, but we can survive, and find happiness. People hurt us but we can heal and still find happiness. We live in a beautiful mess….we are living a beautiful death.

My Dog Days Are Over

~Happiness hit her like a train on the tracks…~

I’ve written about love, maybe even before I truly knew it. I’d like to think of love as someone I’ve seen but never the pleasure of becoming formally acquainted with. I knew what she looked like all the way down to the way she walked. I knew her well enough to write about her frequently. I guess I thought as many times as I’ve seen her that I would have enough preconceived notions to write about who I thought she was. And I did, I had much to say like we were best friends, as though we sat together with our legs stretched out on opposite sides of the couch with a class of red wine laughing through the night. I admired her, I wanted to be her. So I would write about her because I had felt some of her in my past relationships. I mean it wasn’t the real deal but that doesn’t mean there weren’t fragments of her lingering around special moments or touches. It wasn’t like she wasn’t there when meaningful words were spoken because she most definitely was, it’s just that she never stayed too long. It’s probably because she knew what I didn’t at the time; that she shouldn’t be there. I care deeply about the men I’ve dated and I have a special kind of love for them but I still hadn’t seen her as a permanent fixture in any of the relationships I’ve ever had so I was in search of her, waiting for the perfect moment that I would find him and there she would next to him; complacent, without the slightest intention of ever leaving because I had finally found the man that would make me believe.

Then something changed in me. I wrote this on my Facebook status when the greatest epiphany hit me like a bullet in love…

“I'm really really lucky and just really really happy and it occurs to me that no I'm not lucky, God is just in the process of swallowing up the last traces of doubt I held on to when I thought...when I thought it just might not be in the cards for me. But He's holding this ace, I still might not win, but He's holding this ace and I believe...”

Not only was I doubtful of this "love” but it was the kind of love I created in stories because that was the only place I could see it. What I saw, many believed was just not reality and in the end, that I should simply be satisfied in a good man and be glad. But I would like to think in an ordinary world, there are sparks of extraordinary that go beyond the law of science. There is a magic or miracle slipping through the cracks of the sky and into our hearts. They are so rare that an unbelieving heart would simply be a skeptic from the beginning but our God so giving, still spies with a keen eye of the few lucky enough to witness or feel more than this reality could ever give. So a piece of heaven He gives; a piece of true love He gives.

I had a plan for myself I thought, just in case I no longer understood Gods’. In case I had to watch the luminance of the sunsets alone. In case my fingers would have to roam the cotton sheets of my bed instead of the touch of “his” skin every morning. In case I had no hands to reach for me, no arms to hold me, no kiss to surrender in. I know I wouldn’t blame God for it, knowing He knew better than I. I trusted His plan even if I didn’t understand one bit of it but it didn’t help that I was undermining Him with my own secret plan; I really wasn’t trusting at all. I wanted to be prepared for the outcome that marriage may not happen, that the love I had always written about or dreamt about may not come. Now that I come to think about it, my plan was simple, not to undermine God but to accept the fate God had given me; to be content with the fact that I could be alone. That I could watch the sunset alone and find contentment with it and much more importantly; happiness. Essentially, I was finding the assurance to do what I knew inside I was more than capable of doing. I would travel, I would fall in love with strangers, I wouldn’t stop living just because I had to live alone.

I’m still unsure of my fate when it comes to love. I have no idea if I’ll find my storybook love or if I’ll just moved to some far off island but I do believe and I think that’s all that matters…

I'm Back, Hello 2011

So I've been gone for minute due to life...BUT I'M BACK!!! Lol. I feel like life was making an entree of me, consuming me.... bones and all...(I wonder if I taste like chicken???) Eveeeeeentualllly that B&*%$ had to spit me out and let me live again. Class, work, Christmas madness, New Years, and procrastination were all swirling around in the mouth of life and I was in the middle of it, being grinded and chewed on until I was nearly mush but as you now, I never go out without a fight so.....whalah! Here I am and I have so much to say...as usual!

The 25th Hour

Like my new title? I'm forever changing and evolving, learning and progressing so its not surprising that I'm changing my title yet again to what seems to be fitting in my life for the moment. The 25th Hour was chosen because its a new year and I'm 25 so not only am I excited but I have a feeling that this year is gonna be BIG and I'm ready for it, I'm ready to face whatever comes my way. I truly feel that this year is gonna be more profound than any other year I've lived thus far...

My New Years Resolutions

1) Complete My Writing Projects-I have tendency to not finish what I start so this year its all about completion. I have so many ideas flying around in my head, its time to put it on paper, nourish it and let it grow into something great!

2)Maintain Healthy Relationships-I don't have time for negativity, if your not coming with positive energy, I don't want you in my life. It's time to throw away the weeds and nurture what's healthy in my life. Sometimes we can be so caught up about the storm we missed the beauty in the rainbow hovering over us the whole time. I'm letting go of somethings and some people and not looking back....

3) Do Some Cooking-I realize I gotta learn sometime and it's about that time to confront my greatest fear-cooking! I guess I want to do more than just cook but possibly find some pleasure in it so it doesn't seem so torturous...that maybe...just maybe...I can possibly enjoy it *gasp*

4) Work Out-Don't know what you got til it's gone! Living in a dorm with a gym not even 50 ft away was definitely under appreciated by me and gym, I'm sorry okay...I took you for granted and I realize this now. But I'm gonna do better. I may not have the gym but dogonnit, I have Michael Jackson Experience and I plan on working out this year like I used to. My metabolism is bound to run out and I simply won't be able to always rely on it so this year I'm taking the necessary steps to be healthy. Yay me!

5) Don't Be Afraid To Love-I talk up love all day every day but sometimes its easier said than done because when you talk about it, your heart is still safe, no risking taking needed, its only you chasing a dream of what could be. In my head I would like to think I would welcome it but I fear as guarded as I am, that in reality I'm more of a runner, falling more in love with the idea than the reality. I won't do that...I will try this year and give it all I got because when you love someone...well then..."Love Is Stronger Than Pride." (I had to do it!) Lol!

6) I Want A Full-Time Job Plus Benefits-You know your a grown up when all you want is benefits!

7) Getting Back Into A Relationship With God-N-O-T even gonna lie and say I didn't fall off cuz I did. I'm not where I wanna be. I want to go to church more, read the bible more, just simply talk to God more-A Relationship!

8) LOVE-It's all I care about, as long as I got this, nothing else to worry about. I'm gonna keep loving the crap out of everybody...