I Just Thought You Should Know...

...and so my brain is clogged. I can just imagine what it looks like inside. I already  know the X-Ray would show my head filled up and overwhelmed with words...thoughts, decisions, problems. No wonder I have no where to begin and  no where to end. I need to de-clog this mess and throw it all into the viral trash can known as the Internet so whatever is resting there, forming minions and things can finally exit stage right and PEACE, BE GONE! Its not even like I'm purposefully trapping everything in there, I just forget that in order for me remain sane....I gotta write it out in order to free my mind, let it go and officially move on. It's my therapy I guess because I'm potentially writing myself through it and solving my own freaking problems....for free!!! Soooooo here we go.......    

Being Pure

I was thinking  about purity the other day and the first words that popped into my mind where cleanliness, innocence, God, water, and a child. These things came out without thinking but just in an immediate response to purity. Throughout my life, I have attached these specific words in reference to purity to help myself understand what purity is. All this came about in my brain because I was trying to figure out  if I had lost my purity somehow. I was always known as the innocent one, the kind/sweet one, the always forgiving one. I never really became annoyed or frustrated by anyone or anything enough to deter this holly jolly journey I was constantly travelling on. It's funny when I think about that girl...many thought I was just naive but a  really sweet person referred to me as pure. She quoted a scripture to me and said, "the pure shall see the face of God." That still makes a very bright light burst throughout my body, I think it was the kindest thing anyone has and will ever say to me which is why I remember it and I don't remember much. And then "child" popped back out in my brain again.
Do you ever notice how ridiculously wise and pure a child can be? Children are not yet very complex, everything remains in its simplest form so when they're playing, they don't examine skin color, they see the heart. Your nice, I'm nice, lets play. They forget and forgive within a matter of nano seconds and they love, love, and love. There is no deep analytically dramatic event  bearing down, weighing heavy on their soul, figuring out whether they're going to forgive, love, and laugh. "Goodness" is as instinctual as it is natural and sometimes we are able to preserve that while other times we corrupt it.  There has always been a part of  me that remained childlike and I realized that is it!!!! To preserve your purity, you must always see life through the heart of a child. There's a scripture for this...gotta find it real quick...hold up....

Ok this is what i'm thinking of.. Matthew 19:14 Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."   

I think of this and it makes sense in some ways, NOT ALL WAYS to become like a child because sometimes we do grow old and tiresome of maintaining that imminent joy residing in us, to maintain the "good" that was effortless as a child; our birthright! We were in the prime of our strength and health, we could do this easily but life tests you more ways then one and after 20-25 years, we get weary... after 30-35 years, we're downright tired and exhausted... 40-55 years, we don't even want to be bothered and 55 years and over, we're beginning to get senile lol. We all go through some bad things in this life but it can't be the dictator, it shouldn't ruin the purity we were all naturally born too. It's not easy to keep it either, its a constant fight, some win and some loose but I believe its never to late to get it back...if you want it. It used to be easy for me but I'm getting older and its getting harder but this makes me believe in God so much more because purity is a gift and it can easily be taken away.                                                                                                                                                                                                    

Letting Go

Ughhhhh Sometimes you just gotta LET IT GO. I hear it everywhere. Family members, friends, Oprah, Keyshia Cole. Everybody says the same thing and they are absolutely right! Why I still need three of four times to verify and confirm...I have no idea but I know this when it's time to let it go, you'll know because if its not working the first, second, and third time, you're just playing yourself, the fire, and the balance of life by pretending something should be when its not. Thank our patient and loving God that he is STILL willing to tell us NO in so many different ways because our stubborn behinds are fighting lost causes. I know its hard trying to figure out the difference between fighting for something WORTH fighting for and fighting for something that's not even putting up a fight. We really have to work harder at examining people and situations to know the difference. I'm getting there....

Missing the Past

I'm not sure why I'm thinking about people from the past like if I find them, we'll go back in time together and go back to what we used to be, we'll fix what was wrong, we'll correct out mistakes. Like they're supposed to have this time machine tucked away in their pockets. Oh I know why...because I miss them but of course I will. But hey, the past is the past... I think there's probably some truth to those time movies that suggest if you go back in time and change the past, it will change everything else including your future. Moral of the story is what has happened...happened for a reason and couldn't have happened any other way...because I am still alive. I have to get all Morpheus on you. I love the way he thinks. But seriously, sometimes memories gotta be enough you know.

Appreciating the Present

I love the people in my life now, they're just so damn incredible!!! Always appreciate the present. Always ;)

Getting Back to Work

Working on my second book of poems. I have like six poems to my name right now lol sooooo I really need to step it up!!!! I know its too early to be thinking about this but I'm anxious for another book, I keep thinking , "What if I'm a 1 book wonder???!!!"...I knoooow but I can't help it, I'll get over it tho. Here's a excerpt from one of my new poems called Naked I've written so far. You're the first to see it so here you go....

"I’ve been obscene for days

Twisted up in my own nakedness

Looking down at the darkness spilling over me

As my limbs remain out of place

I sit

cracked and proud

Shattered into a complete picture"

I have a book out already if you didn't know or you didn't read it. Shame on you. It's called Death of a Black Star and its everywhere...Amazon (you can download it on your kindle too!), Barnes and Noble, Sakura-Publishing.com. I hear its pretty good!  

V is for Vendetta

I blame the city. I could literally see its fight to make me over. To be harder, tougher than the small town girl I once was. In the beginning, I was undaunted by its sharp tongue and cold touch. It was laughable to me, the cities attempt to frighten me with its broken images of a forsaken city or darkened stares from city walkers warning an outsider like me to watch her back. I was naive but I was strong, unfazed by the thoughts of the restless. I was just excited about the journey, paying no attention to the hungry wolves grazing they're razor sharp teeth behind the woods. But then again, I was safely protected by the university walls, completely clueless to the realities of what was going on. Once I started working in the city, I knew the small town act was a show that wasn't going to work here. I had to develop some sort of backbone because I wasn't a princess and there wasn't going to be a knight in shining armor riding up on his white horse in preparation of saving me. It almost felt like it was happening overnight. I could see myself fitting into this picture that at one point I was terribly awkward in. I was turning I thought. I'm slowly becoming....

Barely recognizing who I was one day walking with a rhythmic ease one night as the homeless man didn't scare me like he usually does. I wasn't afraid of being attacked like I usually am. The random buzzing of innuendos from voices of men walking along the shadows could not deter me. I realized I could handle them all. On days I could give to the homeless man, I would give to the homeless man, he understood just the same. God bless you he says either way. I've learned when you're in the city, you just have to be wise about your surroundings especially the time. Never linger, get to were you're going. The men are easy, nothing a pair of loud headphones can't solve. Mostly, what I observed in the city, besides your common bad apples that are going to start something regardless is everyone is on the same page. We are all tired, just trying to get home safely. There's also no need to walk around extra paranoid like an out of towner, just relax.

But somewhere in the transformation, I was loosing too much of myself. I have so much respect for people who grew up in the city. Its rougher out here opposed to the small town life I was accustomed. You have to learn early on to watch your back and trust very few. Early on, you have to decipher who's for you and who's against you and make it known. People have tougher skin and are much more guarded and that's because they have to be. The city has its own culture just like a small town has its own culture. I was trying to fit in this culture and in the process forgot about who I was, always open, always forgiving, always accepting. I lost it all  to become someone I was terribly uncomfortable with.

I shut people out and I closed myself off because I thought I had too. I mean that's how you survive in the city right? If someone does wrong by you, you either do them wrong right back or walk away and never look back. But that wasn't me and I realized I have to do what makes me happy. Call it naive or biblical, I'm letting all my ill wills go. I'm making amends. Not just for them but for myself because all it is...is freedom.

I was walking around with a huge V on my chest and I mask I didn't even look good in all for a victory that was lost before it even began. No more vendettas for me.

L is for Love is my kind of style anyway. I've always look good in that!