I'm Back, Hello 2011

So I've been gone for minute due to life...BUT I'M BACK!!! Lol. I feel like life was making an entree of me, consuming me.... bones and all...(I wonder if I taste like chicken???) Eveeeeeentualllly that B&*%$ had to spit me out and let me live again. Class, work, Christmas madness, New Years, and procrastination were all swirling around in the mouth of life and I was in the middle of it, being grinded and chewed on until I was nearly mush but as you now, I never go out without a fight so.....whalah! Here I am and I have so much to say...as usual!

The 25th Hour

Like my new title? I'm forever changing and evolving, learning and progressing so its not surprising that I'm changing my title yet again to what seems to be fitting in my life for the moment. The 25th Hour was chosen because its a new year and I'm 25 so not only am I excited but I have a feeling that this year is gonna be BIG and I'm ready for it, I'm ready to face whatever comes my way. I truly feel that this year is gonna be more profound than any other year I've lived thus far...

My New Years Resolutions

1) Complete My Writing Projects-I have tendency to not finish what I start so this year its all about completion. I have so many ideas flying around in my head, its time to put it on paper, nourish it and let it grow into something great!

2)Maintain Healthy Relationships-I don't have time for negativity, if your not coming with positive energy, I don't want you in my life. It's time to throw away the weeds and nurture what's healthy in my life. Sometimes we can be so caught up about the storm we missed the beauty in the rainbow hovering over us the whole time. I'm letting go of somethings and some people and not looking back....

3) Do Some Cooking-I realize I gotta learn sometime and it's about that time to confront my greatest fear-cooking! I guess I want to do more than just cook but possibly find some pleasure in it so it doesn't seem so torturous...that maybe...just maybe...I can possibly enjoy it *gasp*

4) Work Out-Don't know what you got til it's gone! Living in a dorm with a gym not even 50 ft away was definitely under appreciated by me and gym, I'm sorry okay...I took you for granted and I realize this now. But I'm gonna do better. I may not have the gym but dogonnit, I have Michael Jackson Experience and I plan on working out this year like I used to. My metabolism is bound to run out and I simply won't be able to always rely on it so this year I'm taking the necessary steps to be healthy. Yay me!

5) Don't Be Afraid To Love-I talk up love all day every day but sometimes its easier said than done because when you talk about it, your heart is still safe, no risking taking needed, its only you chasing a dream of what could be. In my head I would like to think I would welcome it but I fear as guarded as I am, that in reality I'm more of a runner, falling more in love with the idea than the reality. I won't do that...I will try this year and give it all I got because when you love someone...well then..."Love Is Stronger Than Pride." (I had to do it!) Lol!

6) I Want A Full-Time Job Plus Benefits-You know your a grown up when all you want is benefits!

7) Getting Back Into A Relationship With God-N-O-T even gonna lie and say I didn't fall off cuz I did. I'm not where I wanna be. I want to go to church more, read the bible more, just simply talk to God more-A Relationship!

8) LOVE-It's all I care about, as long as I got this, nothing else to worry about. I'm gonna keep loving the crap out of everybody...

99 Cent Power

Somedays it seems as though power is sold at the 99 cent store. All of a sudden everybodies got some. Whether they buy one or store up on a years supply, everybody wants to put it on and wear it. "Where did you get your power girl?" "Man, you lookin good with that power on son!" Thats what I hear them say. Everytime I turn around someone wants to control someone; be in control of something. You've seen them: campus cops, employees you work with, hospitals, DMVs, and even friends...the point is, everyone wants to own some power to feel as though they are more important than you like the air they breathe is a birth right while you gotta pay for yours. Most people don't even have the power or authority to do or say the things they do. It just kills me that people are able to use knowledge of a certain area that many are not as knowledgeable in to hang it over their heads like a magician performing same sort of control hypnosis. Everytime someone scoops up the last crumbs of power that someone left behind, I wish I would have swept the floor first because I tend to forget...people are greedy when it comes to leftovers...licking the floor. Many people want to be a leader but lack so severly the proper and just way to be one. Their intentions are wrong, their heart is wrong, their motives are all wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong! I just want to tell some people to SIT DOWN SOMEWHERE, shut up, and just follow for once. There's such a wanting to be acknowledged and worshipped that I just get so worried about the state of mankind. We're trying to apply to positions we're not necessarily qualified for OR prepared to get. When you do it for the wrong reasons, corruption is easy to find you and takeover your mind before you even begin to fathom that it was lost in the first place. Yep, your mind just got hijacked and your crashed in the pentagon staring out of a broken plane-lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground! These desperate attempts to use the little power they really don't have and pretend to use, gets on my nerves.

Today this older woman is talking to me all wrong and I almost forgot where I was and be like @#$##$%^#&$!!! (JK, not really but wouldn't that be funny if I did because ppl who know me could not picture it and I don't know if I could myself.) My initial reaction wasn't angry, I could of laughed to be honest with you-her poor excuse of power was hil-AR-rious but for the first time I recognized what it was and just left it alone. She touched my shoulder, smiled, and called me sweetie and I swear to you not... my mind fast forwarded so fast to the future where I broke her hand and through it across the building that by the time I came back to reality I realized I can still change the future before it could happen. So I looked at her with such control and calmness that I shocked myself. I have been known to not bite my tongue, if people become so rude and innappropiate in their communication that in my furry I have no other choice but to let my mouth breed the same attitude back-so be it. Rare but it does happen. I can't stand people who are disrespectful and just ill-mannered. Annoys me (I shudder the thought). The worst thing is to be antagonizing about it-I have very little pet peeves but this is one of them.

So the moral of the story is Power is NOT for everyone. Some people have no business near it because it is much more expensive than you realize and the price is far to high for all parties involved. We've seen whats happened to businesses, schools, churches, countries that are run by people in power who knew nothing about what they are doing. You can ruin lives... So save a life and just don't-please don't! There is a responsibilty and we have to be smarter than a third grader and realize when we need to sit this one out. Just because you see it on sale for 99 cents doesn't mean you have to buy it!

Kiss The Rain

I was either daydreaming or simply dreaming when I saw myself crying on a mountaintop. I was hysterical with a stack of money in my hands standing at the farthest edge of the cliff. I raised the money in my hand and threw it as high as I could watching it attack the sky and then slowly it rained down. As I walked away, the money fell against the background of the sky, I kept walking just to be free of it. It felt like an escape. I felt like I knew where I was going and I was relieved. As the money came closer to the ground, a mob of people below were fighting but mostly they were fighting themselves in need of it. Completely dependent on it. Preying upon it like a lion to a gazelle or a zombie to blood. It was like a horror movie I survived.

Stuck at the Movies!

It's Monday afternoon and my friend says the perfect thing to me, "Do you want to go to the movies?" And I, like a cobra about to strike a little furry mouse, snap back, "Are you paying?" "Yeeeeaaa," he stretches out like I'm loosing my mind. "Hells yea," I scream ready to jump off the walls. But this is the deal, there are two things that will make me the happiest woman in the world and that is ofcourse, going to the movies or offering me some type of food. Preferably something sweet, even more preferably, ice cream or something of the chocolate sort. Its actually happened before, where I'll argue with my guy friend and he'll offer me some food and its like all of a sudden a "Men in Black" agent wipes my memory clean, like the argument never happenend. The power of providing me with a free movie and an abundant supply of deliciousness is ridiculous...I'll practically roll over and play dead. Hey, I'll go fetch a stick. You can practically have me wrapped around your little finger.

So I call my bestfriend because on top of that, he says he'll pay for her too and now that I think about it, I should've asked for a brand new car. And I'm pretty upset that only now did I think of that. Anyway, so the three of us head to the theatre to see ofcourse my recent addiction- book turned movie "Eat, Pray, Love." I read the book prior to seeing the movie because I know that books are usually better than the movie. Only because books can be much more detailed and thorough than a two hour movie can allow. Sometimes the movie versions cut out, edit, or add to, thus taking away the greatness of the story. In the end, I did enjoy the movie but I would recommend giving the book a read because yea, its better.



As we sit down to watch the movie, I'm amped with excitement ready to focus and concentrate on this huge screen that I'm fully prepared to pretend is my world for two hours until... Time out, ring the alarm, sound the friggin trumpets, my other two friends start chatting it up like we were in some public restuarant. What the hell! I was baffled, these crazy kids want to talk now, they weren't even talking like this in the previews. The opening credits begin and I take a deep breath and close my eyes and I told myself I can just zone them out. And that this knife called irritation is going to stop cutting me any minute now. Basically, that didn't work so I did what any normal person would do...I moved a couple seats down and acted like I didn't know them.

During the movie, there was some weird moments happening off screen like one of my friends randomly disappeared. I searched everywhere and was about to go CSI:SVU but just as I was about to get all Olivia Benson, she eventually turned up. Then my other friend I think may have cried or teared up but wouldn't admit it. Hey, personally I wouldn't have mind if he did. There's something very irresistible about a man who cries. For instance, remember when Matt Damon cried in Good Will Hunting, Denzel Washington in John Q, even Pacey Witter from Dawson's Creek. Men's men can every now again, release some tears. Its not illegal and given the right circumstance, its very sexy. Personally, I don't see what the problem is and why men just can't let go and stop caring about societies views on how men should act or behave and all that other blah, blah, blah...Men, I give you the cry pass, use it, embrace it k!


After the movie ended, we didn't exactly leave because of all the maze-like hallways and confusing exit signs that looked alot like the other doors to another movie. Silly us, we somehow found ourselves in a another movie-go figure. But I guess sometimes you just gotta go with the flow and the flow was Scott Pilgram vs. The World.



In front of us was a row of irritating high school boys who were so annoying I almost wanted to shove popcorn down their throat so maybe, just maybe, we could get some peace and quiet. Throughout the movie, they kept yelling their annoying little hearts out to get laughs that would never come. As the movie got weirder and cooler, we began to get into this quirky, hilariously dark humored, and visually stimulating movie. IDK if it was Scott Pilgram's 7 evil ex's he had to kill or the random ADD scenes within a scene like they do in Family Guy that made us start to act goofy and really get into this movie but I really liked it.



Unfortunately, we only stayed for an hour because my friend and I had been anticipating this new Step Up 3D movie. Seeing how we were unprepared for the 3D aspect of the movie, my handy dandy ninja friend went to the recycle ben of 3D glasses and succesfully grapped us a pair. I'm not ashamed because it wasn't me this particular time who committed such a heinous crime and I also didn't get my hand stuck either. But I would like to thank my friend for getting those glasses because if it wasn't for him we wouldn't have been able to enjoy those great scenes that made us feel as if we were dancing right alongside these characters even though we sat firmly in our comfortably laid back chairs.

Essentially, the movie was booooooo! Seriously, there were some good scenes here in there(which would be the dancing scenes)and because no one was in the movie, I got to get up and dance whenever I felt like it-always a positive. The two main white characters where the worst dancers of any of the step up movies. They need to find a new story because getting two white people to save the world one day at a time is getting much too old especially in dancing-thats going a little too far don't you think. However, If there was ever a reason for me to retract that last statement, it would be my white boyfriend Adam Sevani aka "Moose".



There's nothing like a nerdy looking guy who can dance. He's such a contradiction and I love it. I love him. The second "Step Up" movie didn't showcase his dancing the way the third one did and I enjoyed it. He's very talented. Ofcourse the So You Think You Can Dance dancers were in the movie and that was more than neat. All the sytycd geeks including myself would all agree. Always after a dance movie you want to dance so it wasn't surprising when me and my friend just decided to have a dance battle in the parking lot of the movie theater. I think he won but if I can defend myself, he was grinding and rolling all over the place like a snake in heat while I tried to tackle the aggressive krump that made me look like I was having epileptic seizures. It was a fun time though and I'm just glad we made it out because being lost in three movies before finding the real exit sign was Not cool. I'm just glad we made it alive.

In Times of War...

I wish I could be patriotic right now. I wish I could hold up my fighting flag and flaunt it in front of life's face and prepare for battle. Instead of running for battle, honestly all I want to do is runaway from battle. I never thought of ever, ever considering throwing up a white flag and I don't count on it but just the fact that I have even fathomed the thought is mind blowing.

I was downtown recently and I stopped by the park just to relax and gain excess to calm and peace(which apparently has been missing in action lately). It seems like ever since I came back from the Dominican Republic, my life seems so out of whack that I don't even know where to begin. It seems like I have a thousand different puzzle pieces mixed in with a thousand different other people's puzzles which are mixed with their own thousand pieces. I feel like I can't put myself back together again. All this patience, time, and effort is needed to do this and I'm loosing concentration.

Today in the park, my mind wondered into an oblivion...a pointless proposition I made with myself. Maybe I thought, I'll just runaway for awhile. I'll runaway with Him because we all know there's a Him. We'll runaway together and forget about the war life has started with me. Just for awhile though, until the war settles down of course.

We can go to that place where peace and calm live permanently so we'll never have to worry. The sun will be there, the moon, and even the stars. Everything will be perfect.

I'm downtown thinking this because I know the place(not really, just so that its far away from here) and I know the guy. But after the wishing and planning...reality B---- slaps me and wakes me the hell up. When did I get so tired? I'm at the ripe age for fighting, for being a soldier and here I am... tired. I'm still at that time in my life where I must fight to get to that place I wanna be. This is the important battle, the battle that's gonna determine if your gonna win the war. After that the battle gets a bit easier because you already fought for what you earned, its just a matter of keeping it.

So I try to keep meditating on Matthew 11:28 "Come ye all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, for I am gentle and humble at heart, and I will give you rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (See, I have it memorized so everytime I get shaky, I'll say these words). This simply is keeping me from not falling to pieces...its amazing really. God is truly powerful, slowly energizing me back to life when I could have sworn I checked the battery and noticed it was dead.

I'm undergoing Life's War....and it's pretty much at the stage where the good guy and bad guy have that last scene battle and near the end the bad guy is whooping the good guy. For a minute you almost think the bad guy just might win but we all know that there is something the good guy has that the bad guy doesn't and that's hope. Hope is why your still alive when you should be dead. Hope is why you win the fight when you thought all was lost.

District America

District America

In District America, we are all aliens. Our true eyes have sunken from view and in its place corruption lurks. Face to face, we stand unrecognizable to one another though we are exactly the same. We refuse to find solace in the only place that can provide it. Instead like rampant dogs, we chase that pretty green meat and our razor like jaws eat every piece until nothing remains but our thirsty saliva that even then…we lick dry. In green, there is everything that is envy and greed and with every taste, watch yourself become more malicious…more vindictive…more inhumane.

Side by side, we detest the wealth and filth we created together yet roaming to untainted lands and filling it with the same mess we came from. We are so unaware of the chaos we create and spread that we blame on others until our lies have become true. Because yes we can live with this…this idea that we are much more loving than we truly are. We are a melting pot separated…a jambalaya bland. We fall so far and haven’t realized that we are on the ground dying.

A woman told me that people should always come first but in District America, people come last. We have found that our priorities are like that of an animal, that would rather starve in need of territory than nourish off food to survive. Honestly I’m frightened by our lack of care for one another…our lack of compassion. And I’m talking about genuine and sincere care that seems to a mere thought desired by people but in the end incapable to be obtained. We are like a hand pulling at a string and at first we try to hold on to it. It seems as if our eyes have set on something better even but inturn it is much worse.

Don't lose your humanity and compromise the only thing in this life worth keeping. To live in this world like an alien would be like you were never here...living lost and in constant captivity. Deprived of love, mercy, and compassion would be to me..a life not worth living at all. I will not cry for those who have let themselves be transformed and made so ugly that they have created an outer shell appearing to be marvelous but they are indeed…on the inside….ugly. I will never be that….I promise you

How to Avoid the Unavoidable..

It's a question we quietly contemplate in our minds, secretly pondering the possibilties of the impossible. Hoping that one day when no one is least expecting it, in our ordinary clothes with our ordinary hair, we'll jumb up to the sky with an ephiphany that would shock even "the unavoidable" itself. Filled with shear excitement, every light hidden encased within our flesh is now rushing to breach the skin. Suddenly its radiance bursts through our pores and like a sun, our brightness would cause our friends to squint. The answer would have all bowing down at our feet.

Why?

Sometimes you don't want to deal with the baggage the unavoidable carries with it. Then there's the other factor, you run and you keep running until it eventually catches up with you anyway. And you know the unavoidable won't stop, not until it consumes you with its black laughter ready to take its dark hole and eat you like a hungry evil. Some make it out alive but its unlikely that if you do, you'll be the same you once were. After surviving the unavoidable, it's possible it can make you stronger but I warn you, those who survive have a much higher power on their side. What can combat with the heavy bearings of life also known as the unavoidable.To keep you alive but not just alive but happy and joyful inspite of it all. In my opinion that would be God. You can face the unavoidable by yourself and be a miserable mess from the torture the unavoidable put you through. The battle is always harder when your fighting alone.

So how do we stop it?

This is where I give you my genius all inspiring answer. Do you know the smartest answer I could come up with? Wherever you live, leave to the furthest opposite and find a cave or mountain. Set up shop there. Everyone's unavoidable is different and maybe the Tibeten mountains could relieve you from your Illinois unavoidables or wherever you are. You could be like that guy Daniel Suelo, who lives in a cave because he said with money he was always lacking so to the desert he went and never used money again.

The unavoidable is packed with problems, issues, dilemmas, many factors that can quite frankly be sort of overwhelming. But the caveman attitude is flawed too I'm afraid. Even if you hide across the world...you may not have witnessed the wrath of the unavoidable but oh boy did it reak havoc and left ripples for all your families and friends to gossip about for decades to come. Plus the mountains and caves, as good as it sounded for 2.5 seconds...it just means incredible lonliness, awkward moments with squirrels, or you could end up being chased by a scary breed of predators. Ok, the last one was stretching it but after that movie The Descent, I wouldn't cross it off my list. Makes you think twice about caves you know.

This is where I say I'm sorry
Sorry

There's no real answer to avoiding the unavoidable but you probably knew that. I just needed something to write about basically. But I do think about it when I'm so sick of this unavoidable filled with choas that I'm not prepared to deal with. But I guess dealing is better than avoiding because it just fuels the unavoidable to become bigger and blacker that can tear you to pieces until it makes sure you can never recover. So indulging in a question like this for too long is pointless because point blank....you can't.

Muster up all your ammo...your friends, family, your strength, God and do it. Tackle it, fight it in slow motion like those 300 guys and revel in the glory that you chose to fight rather than run...than give up. Even if you just have you and God...thats a powerful power you have on your side and get through it. Trust me its better this why...I wouldn't lie to you.