I wish I could be patriotic right now. I wish I could hold up my fighting flag and flaunt it in front of life's face and prepare for battle. Instead of running for battle, honestly all I want to do is runaway from battle. I never thought of ever, ever considering throwing up a white flag and I don't count on it but just the fact that I have even fathomed the thought is mind blowing.
I was downtown recently and I stopped by the park just to relax and gain excess to calm and peace(which apparently has been missing in action lately). It seems like ever since I came back from the Dominican Republic, my life seems so out of whack that I don't even know where to begin. It seems like I have a thousand different puzzle pieces mixed in with a thousand different other people's puzzles which are mixed with their own thousand pieces. I feel like I can't put myself back together again. All this patience, time, and effort is needed to do this and I'm loosing concentration.
Today in the park, my mind wondered into an oblivion...a pointless proposition I made with myself. Maybe I thought, I'll just runaway for awhile. I'll runaway with Him because we all know there's a Him. We'll runaway together and forget about the war life has started with me. Just for awhile though, until the war settles down of course.
We can go to that place where peace and calm live permanently so we'll never have to worry. The sun will be there, the moon, and even the stars. Everything will be perfect.
I'm downtown thinking this because I know the place(not really, just so that its far away from here) and I know the guy. But after the wishing and planning...reality B---- slaps me and wakes me the hell up. When did I get so tired? I'm at the ripe age for fighting, for being a soldier and here I am... tired. I'm still at that time in my life where I must fight to get to that place I wanna be. This is the important battle, the battle that's gonna determine if your gonna win the war. After that the battle gets a bit easier because you already fought for what you earned, its just a matter of keeping it.
So I try to keep meditating on Matthew 11:28 "Come ye all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, for I am gentle and humble at heart, and I will give you rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (See, I have it memorized so everytime I get shaky, I'll say these words). This simply is keeping me from not falling to pieces...its amazing really. God is truly powerful, slowly energizing me back to life when I could have sworn I checked the battery and noticed it was dead.
I'm undergoing Life's War....and it's pretty much at the stage where the good guy and bad guy have that last scene battle and near the end the bad guy is whooping the good guy. For a minute you almost think the bad guy just might win but we all know that there is something the good guy has that the bad guy doesn't and that's hope. Hope is why your still alive when you should be dead. Hope is why you win the fight when you thought all was lost.
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