I feel like I'm a delinquent to fate. Deliberatly disobeying all the rules that were innately embedded in my brain to obey. I was like the good child waiting patiently for fate to unveil the perfect man and as time ticked on, my inner problem child intervined.
I was tired of holding my uppidity head high, walking alone like lonliness never phased me but it did. I had an act of all acts like a vaudeville show. Theatrical so everyone knew where I stood but it was all showy clothes and grand facial expressions, just a mask to hide the inner fear. The fear of disobeying fate. Initially, I denied my want for the immediate now. Inturn, chasing away the men who could mean something...anything to me with my one woman show.
When men looked at me longer than one man should, I would death stare him down until he would be crippled by the knowledge that there was no way in hell I would ever want him. But inside, it was like fuel keeping me running. I desired that attention, wanting one of them to break that part of me down, that part that kept resisting. I decorated my soul with all these images, words, and pictures like a poster hanging inside my heart of what I always wanted. What fate would eventually give to me.
Somwhere in time, moreso recently I think, I snapped and I realized I dont have time for this. All this time I'm waiting but I'm tired. Each day I'm loosing moments without touch, moments without warmth, moments I needed to keep me alive. Having nothing was making me insane so I was ready for someone and I didn't care who the hell he was. All I wanted was a good man who could hold me. Fate was taking to long and I was getting restless. Actually I moved passed restless and moved to the "screw it" phase.
My boyfriend is by any means my ideal man but his thunderous laugh that vibrates my sides, his big soft lips that warm my mouth, and his burly broad chest pillows my head, and arms that make me feel safe... is enough. Right now more than enough. This is what keeps me happy so no....at this moment I don't want to give him up. Fate still witholds from me.
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