Kryptonite

I'm not much of a cryer and I shamefully take pride in that. After 8th grade, I lost most of my will to care enough what people said, thought, or done to me to cry about it. Most of my experiences that I have undergone so far just hasn't packed enough punch to make me want to ball my eyes out. Some believe crying is a way to release all the built up emotions that have been bottled up inside and others see it as a sign of weakness. In the end, I think you should do whatever it takes to be healthy and happy.

My body has always taken the no-cry way out and I must say, I'm happy that I don't have to describe myself as a "cryer". Sometime ago I think, I decided that if I cried over a bad situation or aka " a boy" that I was giving it power and I didn't want anyone or anything controlling me. I was going to be the ruler of my emotions and not some random person who cussed me out, a friend I fought with, or even a boyfriend to control me. So here I am, crying like a baby when a sappy movie comes on or when I read a really good book, but life will have the toughest time with breaking me down with tears from my own life. Its not gonna happen and I think its because I've mastered what crying means to me.

The last time I had an all out cry was when my world felt broken, isolated, or for lack of better words, jacked up. It was the day I knew nothing would ever be the same. I was 18, in the house by myself and I just flipped out. I cried, throwing objects and pillows all over the living room. It was a cry of hopelessness, of loss, of no more sunny days. Eventually, I realized my cries were pointless and I discovered crying was not beneficial in my own personal life. So I stopped the day God had proven time and time again that I will be ok. I don't cry because I know I don't have to and i'm glad because honestly I don't want to. I'm not saying I never cry because I definitely do and I will cry again but in most cases-I hardly cry.

This is not to say that people who cry are bad or are weak. Crying can be a great for people and important for their sanity, I completely get that. However, for me, crying has been a negative for my sanity. For me, crying makes life so much worse. After I identified its purpose in my life and discovered it was crippling me rather than aiding me, I let it go.

For me, I found that my ability to not cry had strengthend me in my faith and in my soul and only death serves as my kryptonite. When death comes toward me with those inevitable eyes, I cannot help but let my tears tremble slowly from my own eyes. When my grandmother died and recently when my mother was hospitalized, my tears would come without my permission and I realized I could not stop them. I could not control the power of death, it had wholly overtaken me but for some reason, I would not allow it to consume me. Our eyes would fight and I would not let death win. So tears would fall and I would wipe them away, regain my will to overcome its imitating stares, and focus on the power of God to take it from here. And He always does.

Crying is like kryptonite to me. Death is like kryptonite to me. I know if I let too much of it near me, if I let it cling on to me and get inside me, I will die because of it. And when I thought death was gunning for my mom, I was sure that it would be the end of me. My mom is probably the most important human being in my life and I thank God she's okay and that my kryptonite didn't kill me too. I realize that I need to prepare for the day when I cannot be Superwoman anymore. There will come a day when the kryptonite will work its way into my heart because everyone has a weakness and as long as you exist, so will your kryptonite. So it is my duty to decide that I will either fight against it no matter how weak I feel or let it corrode my soul and allow it to kill me.

Identify your own kryptonite and learn how to defeat it so it doesn't defeat you!