A Lesson Before Valentine's Day...

I trained myself very early on in life to never chase a man...esp if he's not chasing me. No matter how much I wanted to and Lord knows I did, something inside me always whispers "just let em go Sharday". I keep thinking about that scene in "My Bestfriend's Wedding" where Julia Robert's best friend says," Honey if your chasing him and he's chasing her, who's chasing you!" It was like an "AHA" moment and I never wanted to be that girl, constantly running like a fool  for love. Don't get me wrong, I have my issues-I'm a falling fool. I fall easily and deeply too many times BUT if it ends, it ends and I resume to my regular scheduled program. I look at it as it was good while it lasted but its over now and  NOW I  can't let it takeover my mind. After all the drama I've witnessed and experienced I have something to prove to myself, that I must find true happiness inside myself because I was not going to run to the ends of the earth for a man that felt no need to do the same for me. Why waste so much time giving so much love to someone not meant to have it anyway and suddenly that becomes your life, that IS your life. Sometimes I was mistaken as being cold-hearted or that I didn't care which stings a bit because it couldn't be further from the truth. I'll always care more than I'll like to admit but I played tug of war with my emotions, understanding that the heart is deceitful at times, pulling at you to feel something, anything whether those emotions are good or bad. The heart seeks out the passions and disasters, the pleasures and the pains, the wins along with the losses. It's not meant to be your conscious, it only shows you your humanity. The hearts job is to make you feel everything! Essentially my happiness relies on me so whether I'm single or not...it will always exist within me. One day I had to discover love for myself, I had to discover the love of myself. I will never depend on anyone for the sake of my happiness because no one is responsible for my happiness but my own and  frankly that's exactly the way it should be. I love the fact that I can be with someone and without a doubt know it can be over tomorrow and my life won't be any less sweeter or happier. Not to say it  won't hurt because it does, I am human but it won't dictate me at the end of the day, it won't make or break me. I have to realize I'll be okay and understand that a knight in shiny armor might not come and THAT is okay too. Living off the love of someone else is bound to fail because once its gone your link to love is gone because you never made it a priority to allow itself to root in you. The person  you were with  was your source so you chase after it to get it back, you'll do whatever it takes to know it again. You end up doing things you never thought you would do and it still doesn't work and now your depressed, lost because the love you thought was forever wasn't so forever. Lovers will come and go but love is its own separate entity and will remain once everything fades to black so find that and no one will determine your happiness...not even man.

Sharday Was Here

Every now and again, your eyes on some random walk will scan a short message; an engraving left by an unknown stranger. You'll see it on the cement road, the center of a tree trunk, on the corner of your desk from high school, the last page of your yearbook, in the closet of your new home, a bathroom stall. A brief message that someone was here...exactly where you are now. Someone from yesterday or possibly from 20 years ago but someone wanted to be remembered by anyone who cared enough to read it. For  a moment, your mind travels through the possibilities of who this person was, who they could have been and you wonder where they are now? Are they still alive? For a moment, you wish you could know this person because whatever journey your on now, they were on it too. When I see those messages, I want to believe they made it through life okay, that they became everything they wanted to and seeing their messages made me believe their journey was mine now and I  too was going the right way. I think we live to leave our permanent message behind...our mark on society that says we were here. I can't think of anything else I would want more than this and why it's so important to me I can 't  quite figure out just yet. Once I finished my book Death of a Black Star and it was officially published, I was fulfilled and relieved because I knew that was my mark. It was my "Sharday was here" message that I was leaving behind. This world in short is madness as it should be. It will show you who are in the best and worst of times and many of us including myself look forward to the afterlife when much of the pain long endured on this earth is over. At the same time your triumph stems from your tragedy so I want this life to take its time with me. I don't want to leave here anytime soon but once I do, rest assure I'm leaving a piece of my soul behind

I WAS HERE!!!!

           

"What you know about dreams..."

I am fresh out of the publishing oven writing my first book of poetry called DEATH OF A BLACK STAR. I’m excited, not just for me but Sakura Publishing as well. I mean you have Dan Picone’s poetry book, LOST EVIDENTS! Also on Black Friday along with my book, Kris Campbell’s work, entitled, THE GLASS GIRL, will also be available for sale. On December 3rd, Sakura Publishing will release Brian Gansmann’s DEFEAT WHEAT: YOUR GUIDE TO ELIMINATING GLUTEN AND LOSING WEIGHT and lastly, available now Stephanie Goldman’s DID I REALLY DO MY HAIR FOR THIS? Buy these great books today!!!

http://www.sakura-publishing.com/books.php

Now before I get all deep like I ususally do I have to say, this journey has been a great one at that and I’ve enjoyed this whole process immensly. You want to write a book, hey…I know a guy. Sakura Publishing is where it’s at!

www.sakura-publishing.com

In the process of writing this book, I do that thing I do. I think, I reflect, I share. Soooo here I go…..

We all have dreams. Whether they’re good or bad, inspirational or depressing, whatever it is, we each possess our own that caters to our own individuality. We are complex creatures so how we view, obtain, or reach for those dreams all differ.

I remember when I believed dreams to be unobtainable. That the dream was to dream because that was all it could ever be. I flourished as a daydreamer, loosing myself in the fantasy of things. When you’re young it’s the most beautiful escape from the conformity you work so hard to be a part of. It’s not so much you wanted it as it was the feeling you needed to have it. Like it was the initiation to normalcy before you came to the understanding that there was no such thing. You wanted to blend in, you wanted to be liked. My earlier dreams where of love. I would lean forward with a slouched sloppiness onto my desk as my head rested in my hands and dream of the men I loved who I could pretend loved me back. Oh sweet adolescence… how I don’t miss you at all.

As I got a little older though still quite young and foolish, I concluded my dreams would come to me. I assumed if I wanted my dreams, well they wanted me just the same. All I had to do was just sit there. Relaxed and lazy atop of a big green hill and wait for it like a hurried wind. My dreams would envelop me as I sat there almost famous. I wanted to be a singer, an actress, a celebrity. I wanted to be somebody rather than nobody and nothing makes you feel more like a nobody than living in a small town. You feel like there’s only one dream worth having…as long as it involves being rich or famous. Those sorts of dreams appear most unrealistic to small town folk so it’s almost always more desirable to strive for what most people see as impossible. Who doesn’t want to prove everyone wrong? But I was young and still uncomfortable in my own skin and completely unaware of my real dreams.

College came and went like the perfect voyage. Some days it felt like there was no end in sight and other days you could see glimpses of possibilities. And then finally, there she is…graduation. Then the reality sets in and the uncertainty you feel, wondering if this is a good thing or a bad thing. But somehow you know it was all necessary no matter the outcome because it was the journey of joys and struggles that made the adventure worthwhile. You found out who you really were. In college I found out about my dreams, my real dreams. It really wasn’t about finding the perfect major or finding that great job that’s gonna make me millions of dollars. I guess my life would be much easier if it was. I fell in love with men and it never really worked out. I took classes I really didn’t care about but I had this one thing that surpassed it all….writing. Nothing really seemed to make me happier and poetry was the most of these. I needed college to figure that out…I just wish it didn’t cost me so much money.

I realized my dreams weren’t unobtainable and I knew I couldn’t wait for them either. I knew that if I put forth the effort to seek my dreams out then fate would have a much harder time denying me of what was rightfully mine. Eventually, if you work hard enough, the thing you were meant to do will eventually take hold of you as long as you keep reaching out for it. For the past 5 years, the only dream I can remember having is writing a book and now I’m seeing that dream come true. It’s like reality met my dream world in which they’ve inexplicably collided and have come to comfortably exist within one another. I’m really happy about this.

I have something to say and writing was the venue I was given to say what I must. It’s amazing the gifts we’re given and the need to share it to the world. Whether you’re a basketball player working towards a championship, an activist fighting for justice, or a writer publishing a book, we need YOU out there to be a part of it. I’m hungry for the reader, the stranger who will read my words and love it. For the reader who will want more of me because they understand or because they can relate or even because it makes them want to do something about it. It’s about my impact on you and the emotions I can evoke out of you.

My book is here and I’ve reached a dream as I know you will yours. There are a many more to be realized and more accomplishments to be reached by all of us because there is always a beginning and never a ending when you get the hang of it, just unfinishing’s.

DEATH OF A BLACK STAR will be released on Black Friday (11-25-11)!!!! You can pre-order it today!

http://www.sakura-publishing.com/books.php

My Life Be Like...

Ahhhhh, where do I even begin? Is there even a beginning to begin with? Life is constant, forever moving and your permanently moving amidst the in betweens forgetting what happened at first or what happens in the end. I'm moving, lost in the sky again. I keep telling people to look at the sky but they keep giving me that crazy Sharday stare wondering what's the big deal. It appears while every one's being normal, I've got my head in the clouds yet again. I was just telling Gabby and Wendy..."Where did 2011 go???" Honestly I have no idea, it came like a gust of wind and all too quickly it left just the same, leaving me a bit speechless and chilly from the cold it left behind. I feel like 2011 just stood me up or did I stand 2011 up? Either way, we didn't care enough to figure out who wronged who, we were somehow still satisfied in whatever conclusion came out of it because here I am...still alive and still blessed because I am alive. There ARE of course some highlights but that's neither here nor there...at least not until December 31st who welcomes self reflection and life recaps with a box of Kleenex and a brand new year.

So what's been up? Nuthin, jus chillin! I got a book comin out soon and I'm gonna be pushin that book like a hustla trying to sell a cheap gold chain!!!!......except this book is not a cheap gold chain AT ALL. *I'm smiling* What is enclosed in this book is the me that nobody sees or knows because there's something about the pen that I can't stop confiding in and the paper just listens, always listening. I could go on and on cuz I'm weird like that but it's simple...I can write better than I speak and once you read this book, you'll definitely agree. It's a natural thing like love, you're not supposed to get it, you feel it and you follow it. I'm excited because it took a team and man, did I get a dream team. All our efforts paid off and we truly created something to be proud of. Awwww man, I can't wait!!!!!

I finally watched something educational on Netflix but it had sex in the title so does that even count. I hope it counts. It's gotta count. Anyway, it was interesting to me for A many of reasons. The video talked about how the subtlest sounds, sights and smells and how it can affect sex appeal, and the genetic, hormonal and neurological factors which can create sparks between people. During the video I had my "yeeeah right" moments and then those "hmmm oh really" moments or the "well that makes sense" moments. One of the studies talked about how we are attracted not to the lopsided face but to the equal sided face, which is good to know because if I fell in love with the man trapped downstairs in the Goonies movie, I would be so ticked OFF! Another study traced where men's eyes go when they look at a woman which they focus on the hips of all places. They say its because the bigger the hip, the more mature...past puberty mature and you're pretty much baby ready.

I found the studies during a woman's ovulation interesting because apparently we talk higher, we look younger, and we just rope em on in! I guess I was curious because when I'm out about going to work, there's always a man trying to get SOMETHING. Your phone number, a date, a name, an age, if you have a boyfriend....all these questions I don't feel like answering especially to some stranger. But I would wonder, what is it about me that makes you want me so badly, that makes you act so persistently. Ok, there's the obvious man wants sex but for the one's that's deeper than that, it is a curious thing to know what that "thing" is exactly that is drawing this particular person to you.

Ok, what else??? "...we're going to skate to one song...one song only." Except me Gabby ride to it every time we go out and put it on repeat. "No one knows what it means but its provocative." And may I add addicting. Gotta love Ye and Jay for that one...."And they going gorillas HUH!"

I swear the crazies on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round...
So its about 9am when I get on the 381 bus headed east towards the Dan Ryan and I have my headphones on to tune the crazies out but one episode occurred where I turned the music off to let the crazies in! This poor child on the bus which I'm assuming he had autism or some socially corrupted quality because he blew my mind. At first I didn't have my headphones on but this kid, who was with his father, was talking extremely loud and obnoxious to him about a game maybe, an adventure, some sort of dreamworld he was recounting. His father looked ahead calmly and zombie-like as if he heard it before, completely undisturbed by his sons overwhelming loudness. I mean it wasn't cute like "ooh look at the little boy telling a sweet little made up story." No it was like "somebody tell this kid to shut the bleep up." He was probably 8 or 9 years old and as he was screaming, he spread out the newspaper in front of him like it was a map and he looked up at his father "...And then there was the waterfall...And the monster....Who was trying to catch me....And that's why I don't go there anymore....its dangerous...I don't trust that place." I put my headphones on. An old lady comes on the bus and she's this precious sweet looking old woman and she she scoots her way to the first seat closest to her which is where this little boy is sitting. The father quickly grabs his son and places him a seat over so the old woman can sit down. The boy snaps. I take my headphones off. "I don't want her to sit down right here, Why can't she move, " he whines loudly. The poor lady sits there contemplating if she should just move. Every one's looking at this point including myself. You would think by now, it wouldn't phase me but this kid was kind of entertaining. So the father tries shushing him saying "C'mon now, don't act like that. Stop, don't be like that." He was so calm about it that I figured this must happen a lot because at this point, if that was me and my mother. My jaw would have been on one end of the bus and my tongue at the other end while pieces of my teeth would be scattered throughout the entire bus.

Then the kid yells MAN! AM I GOING TO HAVE TO SLAP SOMEBODY ON THIS BUS! DOES SOMEBODY NEED ME TO SLAP THEM! I kid you not, he looks at this old woman and says, "LADY! AM I GONNA HAVE TO SLAP YOU!" My mouth dropped. I literally had to pick it up off the floor. My usual poker face was gone and I was like, is this kid for real. The kid calms down after a minute and starts pretending to write in the newspaper. He's trying to show his dad something and as he dad picks up the paper. The kid snaps again. "AWWW MAN, you ripped my paper, how could you rip my paper, now I can't use this." The newspaper drops. "DAMN!" He yells. He eventually calms down and I know the dad is relieved and he even coughs a chuckle because sometimes when ya can't cry, you laugh. I just felt like that kid needed some medical attention because that was crazy but that's my crazies on the bus story. Gotta Love it.

I'm one of those extra complicated girls who dated some guys, fell in love with some guys but really somehow only ended up having one real boyfriend. When I really analyze my love life, there was really one boy where there was a definite claim to fame. I am his and she is mine. There was a title-He boyfriend and I girlfriend. We went on dates, we did things as a couple, we held hands. You know all that gushy and annoying stuff people who are together do. Yea well he's coming to my neck of the woods around Thanksgiving and I'm excited because a part of me is still desperate for some sort of friendship between us. We self destructed some years ago and never really put ourselves back together again. We would just occasionally kick the pieces around to see if the limbs still moved and then continue on her own paths that never really lead back to each other. I have a soft spot for him but then again I'll always have a soft spot for anyone that has some sort of significant meaning in my life. I'll never be able to let anyone go completely because once I love you, I love you for good. What do I want from him? I don't know, I guess I just thought we would still be friends and I don't know why that bothers me so much. I also fear he hasn't changed and he just wants what all men wants. To get what they "want" even if that "want" is the right "want". Ahhh, I'm thinking too much. It's 1:45 am, I should only be thinking this deeply about chocolate or ice cream. I would really like to see him though, that would make me happy.

I was gonna talk about something else involving men but it's still too weird. Sorry, its not me its you. Excuse me, I meant its not you its me. Sorry maybe next time.

I recently got drunk off Ebay for a couple of nights hence the great costume I found for a really really cheap price that I looooove by the way. Why am I so late about finding out about all this great stuff. Lets just say there were some nights I was clued to the computer eyes wide open, stone faced, typing and clicking. Occasionally, I would drop my eyes to the time on the bottom right corner: 12:40, 2:15, 5:50. It was getting pretty insane until I didn't really read the fine print about bidding and won a bid I did not want to win. Then it was Boooo ebay on to the next great addiction.

Hmmm, I like that Rihanna we found love. Song annnnnd video I'm afraid. Don't understand why people are tripping about the video. I think it's honest, an artful portrayal of a destructive relationship. Its like any addict who's addicted to drugs or alcohol, last time I checked that was reality. It's chaotic, sporadic, hectic, sad, painful, pleasurable....all the things that make up love and war. I guess I'm ending on that video...its 2:10 am goodnight!

Happy Sweetest Day

I love the last two blocks through my neighborhood at night, waiting for the perfect song to play. Incubus-Echo. The kind of song you want to hear when your pretending... I look up and find my luminescent moon again and the wind is but cold kisses. I smell wood burning from fire places and I'm walking nowhere until the song is over and the party next to me is nothing but a waker of dreams and I'm back to the reality of things. But I fret not because its Sweetest Day and though I am one of the single ones...still the night was very sweet to me. Oh and Happy Sweetest Day to all you sick puppies out there!!!

V is for Vendetta

I blame the city. I could literally see its fight to make me over. To be harder, tougher than the small town girl I once was. In the beginning, I was undaunted by its sharp tongue and cold touch. It was laughable to me, the cities attempt to frighten me with its broken images of a forsaken city or darkened stares from city walkers warning an outsider like me to watch her back. I was naive but I was strong, unfazed by the thoughts of the restless. I was just excited about the journey, paying no attention to the hungry wolves grazing they're razor sharp teeth behind the woods. But then again, I was safely protected by the university walls, completely clueless to the realities of what was going on. Once I started working in the city, I knew the small town act was a show that wasn't going to work here. I had to develop some sort of backbone because I wasn't a princess and there wasn't going to be a knight in shining armor riding up on his white horse in preparation of saving me. It almost felt like it was happening overnight. I could see myself fitting into this picture that at one point I was terribly awkward in. I was turning I thought. I'm slowly becoming....

Barely recognizing who I was one day walking with a rhythmic ease one night as the homeless man didn't scare me like he usually does. I wasn't afraid of being attacked like I usually am. The random buzzing of innuendos from voices of men walking along the shadows could not deter me. I realized I could handle them all. On days I could give to the homeless man, I would give to the homeless man, he understood just the same. God bless you he says either way. I've learned when you're in the city, you just have to be wise about your surroundings especially the time. Never linger, get to were you're going. The men are easy, nothing a pair of loud headphones can't solve. Mostly, what I observed in the city, besides your common bad apples that are going to start something regardless is everyone is on the same page. We are all tired, just trying to get home safely. There's also no need to walk around extra paranoid like an out of towner, just relax.

But somewhere in the transformation, I was loosing too much of myself. I have so much respect for people who grew up in the city. Its rougher out here opposed to the small town life I was accustomed. You have to learn early on to watch your back and trust very few. Early on, you have to decipher who's for you and who's against you and make it known. People have tougher skin and are much more guarded and that's because they have to be. The city has its own culture just like a small town has its own culture. I was trying to fit in this culture and in the process forgot about who I was, always open, always forgiving, always accepting. I lost it all  to become someone I was terribly uncomfortable with.

I shut people out and I closed myself off because I thought I had too. I mean that's how you survive in the city right? If someone does wrong by you, you either do them wrong right back or walk away and never look back. But that wasn't me and I realized I have to do what makes me happy. Call it naive or biblical, I'm letting all my ill wills go. I'm making amends. Not just for them but for myself because all it is...is freedom.

I was walking around with a huge V on my chest and I mask I didn't even look good in all for a victory that was lost before it even began. No more vendettas for me.

L is for Love is my kind of style anyway. I've always look good in that!

Cherish The Day

I'm not huge concert goer, skip that, I don't even really GO to concerts. Its weird because I love music but somehow going to concerts never made it on my to do list. Its killing me because I can't even remember the last concert I've been to. I'm not talking about impromptu concerts at amusement parks or a gospel/rock concert that someone invited me to on a whim but a concert by an artist I really wanted to see and that I paid a ridiculous amount of money to see. So I go into the deepest parts of my brain that I don't even use anymore trying to figure out when is the last concert I've been too.

I laugh. I close my eyes, drop my head, and I laugh. Really Sharday. I'm even embarrassed for myself. The last legitimate concert I went to was the All-That Concert...had to be in 1999ish. Remember when Nickelodeon had the teen version of SNL variety show...Keenan and Kel, Pizza Boy, The Amanda Show. Man, takes me back! Fresh out the box, STOP, look and watch, Ready yet, Get set, It's alllllll that! TLC starts in.....This is Alllllll That Oh-oooo-oooo-ohhhh, this is Alllll That. Memories.

My mom got the tickets somehow and me, my brother and cousins were headed to best concert ever and we were toooooo excited. I wanted to see Brandy, she was my idol at the time. For a minute, I thought I could sing and she was the one I imitated, the one I pretended to be. Nick Carter was there, 98 Degrees, Vitamin C and other artists who are completely irrelevant now. It was the Late 90's/early 00's, bubble gum pop at its best. I remember loving it, it gave me a high....the crazy fans, the loud music, the dancing....its an exhilarating atmosphere to be in. Somehow I must have forgotten the feeling and never remembered it again because that was pretty much the last concert I went to.

June 25, 2009, Michael Jackson dies. I always thought one day I would see him in concert. When I heard about the tour, I halfway thought I would be able to and then Michael Jackson dies. I reached enlightenment that day. Your favorite artists are not immortal...they will die. You must see your favorite artists in concert before they die.

In March 2011, a random ad runs across my peripheral of a Sade tour coming to the states. This was it! Hands down one of my favorite artist. Her voice, her lyrics, her music, all which are relentless on my heart.

She hadn't toured in the states for a decade and I thought I am going to her concert.

Getting tickets to her concert was significant in many ways. 1. I'm named after her. My mother was nine months pregnant when my mother and father saw her in concert. Maybe I was born to love her and her music. 2. When I was 12 or 13, I came across her CD and fell in love with it without the knowledge that I was named after her. 3. Soldier of Love, her new album and the title track to her first single, had just come out singing the very theme song to my life at that moment. Everything lined up like the planets in the universe so it was time to jump back on the concert band wagon and I did...spending my whole paycheck on one ticket.

I was just about done paying online before I hit the Buy button. I hesitated, wondering what the hell am I thinking, I could use that money for countless other things. More responsible things like student loans and for a second I was listening. I was even having second thoughts and then that other side of me said SCREW THAT! You only live once. I make the final click and call it a day.

Six months had come and gone. Six months of anticipation. Six months of everyone telling me how great she is live. Six months until I find out for myself if she is everything I believed her to be.

July 6, 2011 had arrived. I was going alone because I didn't expect anyone including my best friend to pay what I paid. This was a gift for myself. A gift that frankly I didn't want anyone to ruin. I was nervous before I left. Maybe partly because I was going alone, because I didn't want to be late, because I hoped she would be great, because I really wanted to have a good time and enjoy myself. All the hype was ending and soon it would be reality to have the final say. I wanted everything to be great......

......And it was. It was more than great. It was the best actually. I sandwiched myself in between two hot couples who were equally amazing. I was comfortable. I couldn't sit down during the concert. I think she got a look at me. I think she smiled. Her voice was perfect, she was ab-so-lute-ly stunning and I had glorious seats. The stage set up and the band were worth mentioning...it made the atmosphere so incredible. It wasn't quite heaven but it was definitely a jazz bar down the street from it. I was so drunk from her energy, her air, her movement, voice, the music. I didn't want it to end.

So now I'm a little addicted. For my birthday...September 30th, I bought another ticket to see another one of my favorite artist. Incubus. I will be in the pit, rocking out to my favorite band in Texas on my birthday. How sick is that.

UPDATE- Yea, it was pretty sick!