My Dog Days Are Over

~Happiness hit her like a train on the tracks…~

I’ve written about love, maybe even before I truly knew it. I’d like to think of love as someone I’ve seen but never the pleasure of becoming formally acquainted with. I knew what she looked like all the way down to the way she walked. I knew her well enough to write about her frequently. I guess I thought as many times as I’ve seen her that I would have enough preconceived notions to write about who I thought she was. And I did, I had much to say like we were best friends, as though we sat together with our legs stretched out on opposite sides of the couch with a class of red wine laughing through the night. I admired her, I wanted to be her. So I would write about her because I had felt some of her in my past relationships. I mean it wasn’t the real deal but that doesn’t mean there weren’t fragments of her lingering around special moments or touches. It wasn’t like she wasn’t there when meaningful words were spoken because she most definitely was, it’s just that she never stayed too long. It’s probably because she knew what I didn’t at the time; that she shouldn’t be there. I care deeply about the men I’ve dated and I have a special kind of love for them but I still hadn’t seen her as a permanent fixture in any of the relationships I’ve ever had so I was in search of her, waiting for the perfect moment that I would find him and there she would next to him; complacent, without the slightest intention of ever leaving because I had finally found the man that would make me believe.

Then something changed in me. I wrote this on my Facebook status when the greatest epiphany hit me like a bullet in love…

“I'm really really lucky and just really really happy and it occurs to me that no I'm not lucky, God is just in the process of swallowing up the last traces of doubt I held on to when I thought...when I thought it just might not be in the cards for me. But He's holding this ace, I still might not win, but He's holding this ace and I believe...”

Not only was I doubtful of this "love” but it was the kind of love I created in stories because that was the only place I could see it. What I saw, many believed was just not reality and in the end, that I should simply be satisfied in a good man and be glad. But I would like to think in an ordinary world, there are sparks of extraordinary that go beyond the law of science. There is a magic or miracle slipping through the cracks of the sky and into our hearts. They are so rare that an unbelieving heart would simply be a skeptic from the beginning but our God so giving, still spies with a keen eye of the few lucky enough to witness or feel more than this reality could ever give. So a piece of heaven He gives; a piece of true love He gives.

I had a plan for myself I thought, just in case I no longer understood Gods’. In case I had to watch the luminance of the sunsets alone. In case my fingers would have to roam the cotton sheets of my bed instead of the touch of “his” skin every morning. In case I had no hands to reach for me, no arms to hold me, no kiss to surrender in. I know I wouldn’t blame God for it, knowing He knew better than I. I trusted His plan even if I didn’t understand one bit of it but it didn’t help that I was undermining Him with my own secret plan; I really wasn’t trusting at all. I wanted to be prepared for the outcome that marriage may not happen, that the love I had always written about or dreamt about may not come. Now that I come to think about it, my plan was simple, not to undermine God but to accept the fate God had given me; to be content with the fact that I could be alone. That I could watch the sunset alone and find contentment with it and much more importantly; happiness. Essentially, I was finding the assurance to do what I knew inside I was more than capable of doing. I would travel, I would fall in love with strangers, I wouldn’t stop living just because I had to live alone.

I’m still unsure of my fate when it comes to love. I have no idea if I’ll find my storybook love or if I’ll just moved to some far off island but I do believe and I think that’s all that matters…

I'm Back, Hello 2011

So I've been gone for minute due to life...BUT I'M BACK!!! Lol. I feel like life was making an entree of me, consuming me.... bones and all...(I wonder if I taste like chicken???) Eveeeeeentualllly that B&*%$ had to spit me out and let me live again. Class, work, Christmas madness, New Years, and procrastination were all swirling around in the mouth of life and I was in the middle of it, being grinded and chewed on until I was nearly mush but as you now, I never go out without a fight so.....whalah! Here I am and I have so much to say...as usual!

The 25th Hour

Like my new title? I'm forever changing and evolving, learning and progressing so its not surprising that I'm changing my title yet again to what seems to be fitting in my life for the moment. The 25th Hour was chosen because its a new year and I'm 25 so not only am I excited but I have a feeling that this year is gonna be BIG and I'm ready for it, I'm ready to face whatever comes my way. I truly feel that this year is gonna be more profound than any other year I've lived thus far...

My New Years Resolutions

1) Complete My Writing Projects-I have tendency to not finish what I start so this year its all about completion. I have so many ideas flying around in my head, its time to put it on paper, nourish it and let it grow into something great!

2)Maintain Healthy Relationships-I don't have time for negativity, if your not coming with positive energy, I don't want you in my life. It's time to throw away the weeds and nurture what's healthy in my life. Sometimes we can be so caught up about the storm we missed the beauty in the rainbow hovering over us the whole time. I'm letting go of somethings and some people and not looking back....

3) Do Some Cooking-I realize I gotta learn sometime and it's about that time to confront my greatest fear-cooking! I guess I want to do more than just cook but possibly find some pleasure in it so it doesn't seem so torturous...that maybe...just maybe...I can possibly enjoy it *gasp*

4) Work Out-Don't know what you got til it's gone! Living in a dorm with a gym not even 50 ft away was definitely under appreciated by me and gym, I'm sorry okay...I took you for granted and I realize this now. But I'm gonna do better. I may not have the gym but dogonnit, I have Michael Jackson Experience and I plan on working out this year like I used to. My metabolism is bound to run out and I simply won't be able to always rely on it so this year I'm taking the necessary steps to be healthy. Yay me!

5) Don't Be Afraid To Love-I talk up love all day every day but sometimes its easier said than done because when you talk about it, your heart is still safe, no risking taking needed, its only you chasing a dream of what could be. In my head I would like to think I would welcome it but I fear as guarded as I am, that in reality I'm more of a runner, falling more in love with the idea than the reality. I won't do that...I will try this year and give it all I got because when you love someone...well then..."Love Is Stronger Than Pride." (I had to do it!) Lol!

6) I Want A Full-Time Job Plus Benefits-You know your a grown up when all you want is benefits!

7) Getting Back Into A Relationship With God-N-O-T even gonna lie and say I didn't fall off cuz I did. I'm not where I wanna be. I want to go to church more, read the bible more, just simply talk to God more-A Relationship!

8) LOVE-It's all I care about, as long as I got this, nothing else to worry about. I'm gonna keep loving the crap out of everybody...

99 Cent Power

Somedays it seems as though power is sold at the 99 cent store. All of a sudden everybodies got some. Whether they buy one or store up on a years supply, everybody wants to put it on and wear it. "Where did you get your power girl?" "Man, you lookin good with that power on son!" Thats what I hear them say. Everytime I turn around someone wants to control someone; be in control of something. You've seen them: campus cops, employees you work with, hospitals, DMVs, and even friends...the point is, everyone wants to own some power to feel as though they are more important than you like the air they breathe is a birth right while you gotta pay for yours. Most people don't even have the power or authority to do or say the things they do. It just kills me that people are able to use knowledge of a certain area that many are not as knowledgeable in to hang it over their heads like a magician performing same sort of control hypnosis. Everytime someone scoops up the last crumbs of power that someone left behind, I wish I would have swept the floor first because I tend to forget...people are greedy when it comes to leftovers...licking the floor. Many people want to be a leader but lack so severly the proper and just way to be one. Their intentions are wrong, their heart is wrong, their motives are all wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong! I just want to tell some people to SIT DOWN SOMEWHERE, shut up, and just follow for once. There's such a wanting to be acknowledged and worshipped that I just get so worried about the state of mankind. We're trying to apply to positions we're not necessarily qualified for OR prepared to get. When you do it for the wrong reasons, corruption is easy to find you and takeover your mind before you even begin to fathom that it was lost in the first place. Yep, your mind just got hijacked and your crashed in the pentagon staring out of a broken plane-lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground! These desperate attempts to use the little power they really don't have and pretend to use, gets on my nerves.

Today this older woman is talking to me all wrong and I almost forgot where I was and be like @#$##$%^#&$!!! (JK, not really but wouldn't that be funny if I did because ppl who know me could not picture it and I don't know if I could myself.) My initial reaction wasn't angry, I could of laughed to be honest with you-her poor excuse of power was hil-AR-rious but for the first time I recognized what it was and just left it alone. She touched my shoulder, smiled, and called me sweetie and I swear to you not... my mind fast forwarded so fast to the future where I broke her hand and through it across the building that by the time I came back to reality I realized I can still change the future before it could happen. So I looked at her with such control and calmness that I shocked myself. I have been known to not bite my tongue, if people become so rude and innappropiate in their communication that in my furry I have no other choice but to let my mouth breed the same attitude back-so be it. Rare but it does happen. I can't stand people who are disrespectful and just ill-mannered. Annoys me (I shudder the thought). The worst thing is to be antagonizing about it-I have very little pet peeves but this is one of them.

So the moral of the story is Power is NOT for everyone. Some people have no business near it because it is much more expensive than you realize and the price is far to high for all parties involved. We've seen whats happened to businesses, schools, churches, countries that are run by people in power who knew nothing about what they are doing. You can ruin lives... So save a life and just don't-please don't! There is a responsibilty and we have to be smarter than a third grader and realize when we need to sit this one out. Just because you see it on sale for 99 cents doesn't mean you have to buy it!

Kiss The Rain

I was either daydreaming or simply dreaming when I saw myself crying on a mountaintop. I was hysterical with a stack of money in my hands standing at the farthest edge of the cliff. I raised the money in my hand and threw it as high as I could watching it attack the sky and then slowly it rained down. As I walked away, the money fell against the background of the sky, I kept walking just to be free of it. It felt like an escape. I felt like I knew where I was going and I was relieved. As the money came closer to the ground, a mob of people below were fighting but mostly they were fighting themselves in need of it. Completely dependent on it. Preying upon it like a lion to a gazelle or a zombie to blood. It was like a horror movie I survived.

What They Say

They say all you need is a good man!

I wish I could see this as true.
They say get you a rich man!
If only I could say this and this be true.
They say a man is better than no man at all!
Is that right?
A good man can hold my heart but the right one can wear it.
It could fit so perfectly and look like his own.
Because it was made for him.
A good man who holds my heart has the potential to drop it.
Does fresh food not spoil?
Does everything known to be good stay good?
But a man who wears my heart can’t drop it.
Nor would he risk breaking it.
 Can a man loose a heart if he wears it as his own?
A rich man can buy my heart but the right one searched for my heart.
Does a man who buys a heart care more about the cost or the heart?
A man made out of money is money who made a man.
If a man lost all his money, wouldn’t he be willing to sell a heart?
If it was all he had, his last possession, in the name of money.
Didn’t he already sell his own?
If money gave birth to him and he birth money, will he not be devoted to what he has bore.

My heart cannot compete with a man’s soulchild!

Kryptonite

I'm not much of a cryer and I shamefully take pride in that. After 8th grade, I lost most of my will to care enough what people said, thought, or done to me to cry about it. Most of my experiences that I have undergone so far just hasn't packed enough punch to make me want to ball my eyes out. Some believe crying is a way to release all the built up emotions that have been bottled up inside and others see it as a sign of weakness. In the end, I think you should do whatever it takes to be healthy and happy.

My body has always taken the no-cry way out and I must say, I'm happy that I don't have to describe myself as a "cryer". Sometime ago I think, I decided that if I cried over a bad situation or aka " a boy" that I was giving it power and I didn't want anyone or anything controlling me. I was going to be the ruler of my emotions and not some random person who cussed me out, a friend I fought with, or even a boyfriend to control me. So here I am, crying like a baby when a sappy movie comes on or when I read a really good book, but life will have the toughest time with breaking me down with tears from my own life. Its not gonna happen and I think its because I've mastered what crying means to me.

The last time I had an all out cry was when my world felt broken, isolated, or for lack of better words, jacked up. It was the day I knew nothing would ever be the same. I was 18, in the house by myself and I just flipped out. I cried, throwing objects and pillows all over the living room. It was a cry of hopelessness, of loss, of no more sunny days. Eventually, I realized my cries were pointless and I discovered crying was not beneficial in my own personal life. So I stopped the day God had proven time and time again that I will be ok. I don't cry because I know I don't have to and i'm glad because honestly I don't want to. I'm not saying I never cry because I definitely do and I will cry again but in most cases-I hardly cry.

This is not to say that people who cry are bad or are weak. Crying can be a great for people and important for their sanity, I completely get that. However, for me, crying has been a negative for my sanity. For me, crying makes life so much worse. After I identified its purpose in my life and discovered it was crippling me rather than aiding me, I let it go.

For me, I found that my ability to not cry had strengthend me in my faith and in my soul and only death serves as my kryptonite. When death comes toward me with those inevitable eyes, I cannot help but let my tears tremble slowly from my own eyes. When my grandmother died and recently when my mother was hospitalized, my tears would come without my permission and I realized I could not stop them. I could not control the power of death, it had wholly overtaken me but for some reason, I would not allow it to consume me. Our eyes would fight and I would not let death win. So tears would fall and I would wipe them away, regain my will to overcome its imitating stares, and focus on the power of God to take it from here. And He always does.

Crying is like kryptonite to me. Death is like kryptonite to me. I know if I let too much of it near me, if I let it cling on to me and get inside me, I will die because of it. And when I thought death was gunning for my mom, I was sure that it would be the end of me. My mom is probably the most important human being in my life and I thank God she's okay and that my kryptonite didn't kill me too. I realize that I need to prepare for the day when I cannot be Superwoman anymore. There will come a day when the kryptonite will work its way into my heart because everyone has a weakness and as long as you exist, so will your kryptonite. So it is my duty to decide that I will either fight against it no matter how weak I feel or let it corrode my soul and allow it to kill me.

Identify your own kryptonite and learn how to defeat it so it doesn't defeat you!

Stuck at the Movies!

It's Monday afternoon and my friend says the perfect thing to me, "Do you want to go to the movies?" And I, like a cobra about to strike a little furry mouse, snap back, "Are you paying?" "Yeeeeaaa," he stretches out like I'm loosing my mind. "Hells yea," I scream ready to jump off the walls. But this is the deal, there are two things that will make me the happiest woman in the world and that is ofcourse, going to the movies or offering me some type of food. Preferably something sweet, even more preferably, ice cream or something of the chocolate sort. Its actually happened before, where I'll argue with my guy friend and he'll offer me some food and its like all of a sudden a "Men in Black" agent wipes my memory clean, like the argument never happenend. The power of providing me with a free movie and an abundant supply of deliciousness is ridiculous...I'll practically roll over and play dead. Hey, I'll go fetch a stick. You can practically have me wrapped around your little finger.

So I call my bestfriend because on top of that, he says he'll pay for her too and now that I think about it, I should've asked for a brand new car. And I'm pretty upset that only now did I think of that. Anyway, so the three of us head to the theatre to see ofcourse my recent addiction- book turned movie "Eat, Pray, Love." I read the book prior to seeing the movie because I know that books are usually better than the movie. Only because books can be much more detailed and thorough than a two hour movie can allow. Sometimes the movie versions cut out, edit, or add to, thus taking away the greatness of the story. In the end, I did enjoy the movie but I would recommend giving the book a read because yea, its better.



As we sit down to watch the movie, I'm amped with excitement ready to focus and concentrate on this huge screen that I'm fully prepared to pretend is my world for two hours until... Time out, ring the alarm, sound the friggin trumpets, my other two friends start chatting it up like we were in some public restuarant. What the hell! I was baffled, these crazy kids want to talk now, they weren't even talking like this in the previews. The opening credits begin and I take a deep breath and close my eyes and I told myself I can just zone them out. And that this knife called irritation is going to stop cutting me any minute now. Basically, that didn't work so I did what any normal person would do...I moved a couple seats down and acted like I didn't know them.

During the movie, there was some weird moments happening off screen like one of my friends randomly disappeared. I searched everywhere and was about to go CSI:SVU but just as I was about to get all Olivia Benson, she eventually turned up. Then my other friend I think may have cried or teared up but wouldn't admit it. Hey, personally I wouldn't have mind if he did. There's something very irresistible about a man who cries. For instance, remember when Matt Damon cried in Good Will Hunting, Denzel Washington in John Q, even Pacey Witter from Dawson's Creek. Men's men can every now again, release some tears. Its not illegal and given the right circumstance, its very sexy. Personally, I don't see what the problem is and why men just can't let go and stop caring about societies views on how men should act or behave and all that other blah, blah, blah...Men, I give you the cry pass, use it, embrace it k!


After the movie ended, we didn't exactly leave because of all the maze-like hallways and confusing exit signs that looked alot like the other doors to another movie. Silly us, we somehow found ourselves in a another movie-go figure. But I guess sometimes you just gotta go with the flow and the flow was Scott Pilgram vs. The World.



In front of us was a row of irritating high school boys who were so annoying I almost wanted to shove popcorn down their throat so maybe, just maybe, we could get some peace and quiet. Throughout the movie, they kept yelling their annoying little hearts out to get laughs that would never come. As the movie got weirder and cooler, we began to get into this quirky, hilariously dark humored, and visually stimulating movie. IDK if it was Scott Pilgram's 7 evil ex's he had to kill or the random ADD scenes within a scene like they do in Family Guy that made us start to act goofy and really get into this movie but I really liked it.



Unfortunately, we only stayed for an hour because my friend and I had been anticipating this new Step Up 3D movie. Seeing how we were unprepared for the 3D aspect of the movie, my handy dandy ninja friend went to the recycle ben of 3D glasses and succesfully grapped us a pair. I'm not ashamed because it wasn't me this particular time who committed such a heinous crime and I also didn't get my hand stuck either. But I would like to thank my friend for getting those glasses because if it wasn't for him we wouldn't have been able to enjoy those great scenes that made us feel as if we were dancing right alongside these characters even though we sat firmly in our comfortably laid back chairs.

Essentially, the movie was booooooo! Seriously, there were some good scenes here in there(which would be the dancing scenes)and because no one was in the movie, I got to get up and dance whenever I felt like it-always a positive. The two main white characters where the worst dancers of any of the step up movies. They need to find a new story because getting two white people to save the world one day at a time is getting much too old especially in dancing-thats going a little too far don't you think. However, If there was ever a reason for me to retract that last statement, it would be my white boyfriend Adam Sevani aka "Moose".



There's nothing like a nerdy looking guy who can dance. He's such a contradiction and I love it. I love him. The second "Step Up" movie didn't showcase his dancing the way the third one did and I enjoyed it. He's very talented. Ofcourse the So You Think You Can Dance dancers were in the movie and that was more than neat. All the sytycd geeks including myself would all agree. Always after a dance movie you want to dance so it wasn't surprising when me and my friend just decided to have a dance battle in the parking lot of the movie theater. I think he won but if I can defend myself, he was grinding and rolling all over the place like a snake in heat while I tried to tackle the aggressive krump that made me look like I was having epileptic seizures. It was a fun time though and I'm just glad we made it out because being lost in three movies before finding the real exit sign was Not cool. I'm just glad we made it alive.